


Five Times Arthur And The Knights Accidentally Broke Merlin And The One Time He Let Them Fix Him

by ibelieve_whiteflag_aslansdefender



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: ...just not yet, 5 times the knights accidentally broke him, 5+1 Things, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arthur believes in dangling his knights above a wilderen den, Arthur is King and he commands that Merlin is okay, Arthur's a jerk like that, Bastet - Freeform, Bastet after canon though, Besides Freya but that already happened, Blind Character, But they just don't understand, Cannon Era, Character Death, Constructive Criticism Welcome, Crossbow, Depressed Merlin, Dissociation, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Gwaine cries, Gwaine has strings, Gwaine thinks Merlin is dead, Gwaine's perspective, Gwen cries, Gwen finds out, Gwen is a brave Momma Bear, Gwen is smarter than all the sweet boys, Heartache, Heartbreak, Hope, How Do I Tag, Hurt Merlin (Merlin), I promised you a happy ending and that still stands, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, It's not the Knights fault, Just not yet, King Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), LITERALLY, Lancelot is alive, Leon cries, Leon talks about feelings, Leon watches, Leon will die for innocent, Leon's promise, Lost Merlin, Merlin Needs a Hug (Merlin), Merlin abandoned, Merlin misses Freya, Merlin never listens to Arthur, Merlin's journal, Merlin’s magic reaches into a dream, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Please don't be dumb like he is, Post-Canon Fix-It, Protective Arthur, Protective Gwaine (Merlin), Protective Gwen, Sad Merlin (Merlin), Selfless Merlin, Sick Merlin (Merlin), Sleepwalking, Stressed Merlin, Sweet Knights, Temporary Blindness, The knights and Arthur try, They're all so desperate to help they make everything worse, VEIL, Well for one chapter, Worried Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), You can get help, and 1 time he let them fix him, brave arthur, brave knights, briefly, but then it's the modern era, but they deserve it, but you can read it as such if you want, caring knights, everything turns out okay, fluff? I TRIED, greiving Freya, guys-that's a tag!!, he doesn't handle it well, hopeless Merlin, however you read it the knights care, im sorry, little brother merlin, merlin cries, merlin protected, merlin rescued, merlin sad, merlin sleepwalking, need i say more, no one dies, no sex or smut sorry not my thing, noble arthur, not merthur, nursing back to health, or mergwaine? is that a thing?, ptsd merlin, saved - Freeform, suicidal thoughts BUT NO ACTIONS ON THEM, the knights are good bros, the knights try, they all bicker when worried, various escapades, what veil??, whatever makes you happy, worried knights
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2019-10-30 19:53:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 29,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17835101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ibelieve_whiteflag_aslansdefender/pseuds/ibelieve_whiteflag_aslansdefender
Summary: Knife. Table. Throat.Instantly alert, adrenaline flooding through him, Arthur’s body automatically moved in time with his thoughts, his hand fisting around the handle of the knife before his mind registered that the intruder was talking.“Arthur, stop- it’s me, it’s Percival-” Arthur’s mind registered the voice and he dropped the knife, thankfully before he reached phase three. He bolted upright as Percival’s hands fell off his shoulders, leaving him only able to  guess where his knight was in the dark.“Percival- what’re you doing here?” He flung off the covers and swung his feet over the edge, the panicked adrenaline slowly ebbing from his veins, leaving him with only a clear head. He reached for the scarlet shirt on the bedside table. Percival wouldn’t have woken him unless it was important.“We weren’t sure what else to do, Sire, it’s Merlin.”Important, indeed.Or, the five times Arthur and his knights try to help Merlin and the one time Merlin realizes he deserves help too.





	1. The Time Six Knights Nearly Had A Heart Attack Because They'd Nearly Driven Merlin To One

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KaitoKidCow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaitoKidCow/gifts).



> PLEASE READ THE BELOW NOTES: VERY IMPORTANT INFO!!!
> 
> Hi guys! This is only my second fanfiction in years and I honestly might not have wanted to ever write another, if KaitoKidCow hadn't left me the sweetest comment of encouragement that may have saved my fanfiction career and made me cry. Positive comments work, guys! Anyway, this is dedicated to her/him? I don't know, and I don't know if they'll ever read this, but it's for them.  
> Anyway, really important: MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION, POSSIBLY SUICIDAL THOUGHTS  
> DON'T READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED OR IF THAT BOTHERS YOU.
> 
> Suicidal thoughts is something I have never had to deal with, but I know they are very real, If your having them, please tell someone. No matter what you believe, you are worth it and if you left the world would loose something valueable. And things do get better. It sounds stupid and cliche'd, but I know and promise you that they do. Like I said before, I've never been suicidal, but I have been depressed and I know it sucks and that sometimes life sucks. If anyone ever needs/wants to talk my comment box down below is open and I'm a vain creature who checks it often. 
> 
> STAY SAFE!
> 
> I really want to tell this story in a way that, yes, tells about the depression, but also one that tells about hope and recovery. If anyone feels that I'm leading astray from this goal, please let me know!!! I would also love constructive criticism, if any of you like it, or if any of you didn't, and what you did or didn't like. I REALLY want to get better. Or just to chat. Whatever floats your boat. 
> 
> Also, if anything in the fic offends you- I did not mean any of it to be offensive to any gender,race, sexuality, or religion- if anything bothers you PLEASE let me know and I'll do my best to fix it!!
> 
> Have a bright day guys! I love you!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin sat in the middle of the cheerfully lit room, every single weapon, shield, and suit of armour in the entire armoury strewn about him. He was dazedly scraping the large shield on his lap, moving the cloth in long, clumsy, circular motions. Arthur’s heart shuddered with relief. His servant was unconsious. He wasn’t bleeding. He wasn’t spasming. He wasn’t attacked. He wasn’t dying. He was fine. But then Arthur really looked at the man. His skin seemed abnoramally pale in the firelight, the faint sheen of sweat glistening on his brow, glazed blue eyes staring off at the opposite wall, not seeing anything, face slack and emotionless. His hands kept tracing the shield. Oblivious.
> 
> Oh. Not fine.

 

Through the years, many people had snuck into his rooms after curfew, for many different reasons. There’d been his father, of course, the guards to wake him for the various emergencies, Morgana to drag him on her various escapades, and, sadly the most often, assassins after his neck.

But never a giant.

Until that day...

He was sound asleep, cacooned beneath his soft quilts and resting atop his downy pillow, his counciousness willingly trapped in that blissful place between reality and possibility. Then two hands locked on his shoulders and shook, yanking him from the sleepy warmth and dragging him cruelly into the cold of awake.

Arthur’s eyes tore open and his body locked.

_Knife. Table. Throat._

Instantly alert, adrenaline flooding through him, Arthur’s body automatically moved in time with his thoughts, his hand fisting around the handle of the knife before his mind registered that the intruder was talking.

“Arthur, stop- it’s me, it’s Percival-” Arthur’s mind registered the voice and he dropped the knife, thankfully before he reached phase three. He bolted upright as Percival’s hands fell off his shoulders, leaving him only able to  guess where his knight was in the dark.

“Percival- what’re you doing here?” He flung off the covers and swung his feet over the edge, the panicked adrenaline slowly ebbing from his veins, leaving him with only a clear head. He reached for the scarlet shirt on the bedside table. Percival wouldn’t have woken him unless it was important.

“We weren’t sure what else to do, Sire, it’s Merlin.”

Important, indeed.

***

“And you don’t know what’s wrong with him?” Archer asked as he charged through the silent halls, occupied only by the flickering torches and their own light breathing.

“No, Sire. He’s unresponsive to anything we do.”

“Have you gotten Gauis?”

“He’s still treating the shakes in Riversford, he’s three days out at least.” Arthur sighed. He’d known that. He’d sent the physician to the town. Said they’d be fine for a few days. Gaius should go help the people who actually needed him.

His big mouth!

“Sire,” Percival began, and Arthur realized he couldn’t remember the quiet giant ever saying anything unprompted before.

“You don’t think- he hasn’t been… _cursed_?” The man’s soft tone didn’t change,  but Arthur could hear the unspoken worry in it. He felt the same stab him in his heart.

“Don’t worry, Percival. If he has, we’ll fix him.”

_We have too._

They turned the corner to the armoury and Gwaine’s silloette popped out of the open doorway, looking garrish in the night’s poor light and making Arthur and Percival reel back..

“Princess, thank heavens!” he breathed as his face, which had been held up in the mask of assurance he always wore when he didn’t know what to do,  sagging with relief.

“What’s wrong? And what’s he doing down here of all places?”

Gwaine frowned, worry burning in his chocolate eyes.

“See, that’s the thing…”

Gwaine unhelpfully trailed off. Arthur, trying to stave his worry, shoved through the door and saw inside.

Merlin sat in the middle of the cheerfully lit room, every single weapon, shield, and suit of armour in the entire armoury strewn about him. He was dazedly scraping  the large shield on his lap, moving the cloth in long, clumsy, circular motions. Arthur’s heart shuddered with relief. His servant was unconsious. He wasn’t bleeding. He wasn’t spasming. He wasn’t attacked. He wasn’t dying. He was fine. But then Arthur really looked at the man. His skin seemed abnoramally pale in the firelight, the faint sheen of sweat glistening on his brow, glazed blue eyes staring off at the opposite wall, not seeing anything, face slack and emotionless. His hands kept tracing the shield. Oblivious.

Oh. Not fine.

“What’s he doing?” Arthur asked softly, sheathing the sword he couldn’t remember drawing and stepping into the room, cautious, not wanting to scare Merlin. The man didn’t even notice.

“Polishing. Or at least, we think that’s what he’s trying to do.  Percy and I were coming back from some night training and found him in a frenzy, grabbing everything off the walls like his life depended on it, then he plopped down and he’s been right there, like this ever since. We’ve tried talking to him- but he won’t respond- it’s like he doesn’t even know we’re here.” Though his face was professional and ready, Gwaine’s voice cracked on the last sentence.

“Or doesn’t know he’s here.” Percival breathed from behind them. His tone equally bothered.

Arthur continued to creep through the room, silently dancing around the mess of armour and various sharp pointy things, until he came to a stop several feet away from Merlin.

“Merlin?” He asked, forcing his voice to be gentle. _Like your calming a horse._

“Merlin? Are you alright?” Merlin didn’t respond. Just continued to stare blindly at the wall, blinking languidly.

“Merlin?” He tried again, slowly lowering himself onto his haunches so he’d look less threatening. Heaven forbid he make things worse.

“We’re not going to hurt you, Merlin. Your safe. Maybe it’s time you stopped being such a clotpole and graced us with your presence. I think Gwaine and Percival would be relieved. Babies that they are, between you and me, their pretty worried. So how about you come back to us, and we’ll sort this all out and put them to bed - how does that sound?” Arthur said,fighting against the adrenalin screaming inside him and speaking low and slow.

No response.

He looked back at Gwaine and Percival helplessly, they only frowned further.

“Have either of you noticed anything strange? Before now, I mean, has he been himself? Or done anything out of the ordinary?”

“Not that I’ve noticed.”

“I can’t even say if I’ve even seen him this past week.” Gwaine sounded bitter and Arthur looked up in surprise to find the knight was staring down at Merlin, shame burning in his eyes.

“It’s not your fault, Gwaine,” Percival said before Arthur could “I haven’t seen him much either.”

“It’s not either of your faults, after the bandits on patrol last week, he was in the tavern for two days. And he’s been working all over the place catching up, ever since.” Arthur supplied. Neither of them were in the wrong here. Their hearts were getting in the way of their clarirty. He needed answers.

“Could that be it, then? Could he have worked himself to this state?” Percival asked. Pain lanced in Arthur’s stomach. Was that it? He hadn’t given Merlin too many extra chores, had he? Was this his fault?

Similar pain flashed in Gwaine’s eyes and his face crumpled.

“Oh Merls, I’m sorry. I should’ve known. I would’ve helped you…”

Great. Now Gwaine thought this was his fault. They were absolutely no help to Merlin in their state. They needed to pulled themselves together.

“Alright,” Arthur said abruptly, but still not above a whisper, straightening and half-turning so both both his knights and Merlin was in his view.

“That’s enough of that. When Merlin’s exausted, he doesn’t do this.  He collapses like a girl. There’s something else at play here. Something we’re missing.”

“Are you suggesting magic?” Gwaine asked, his face recomposed in a mask, his voice pinched with the effort.

“I’m not ruling it out.”

“What would be the purpose in enchanting him to do… this?” Percival asked.

Arthur sighed. That was the question that had been gnawing on the back of his mind. There was no plausible purpose! They weren’t even sure what… “this” was!

“I don’t know.”

They were silent for a moment. All staring at Merlin who continued on, completely unaware.

“So, what’re we going to do about it?” Gwaine finally broke the silence.

“Get him back to the infirmary.” Arthur decided the moment he said it. Instantly he was filled with a strange sort of… empowered relief. He had a direction to go, a place to start, a way to help. “Gaius must have something in all those books that can help us.”

They nodded and Gwaine glanced back at Merlin before squaring his jaw and turning away from him to face Arthur.

“Right. I’ll wake the knights.” Arthur nodded. Good. They needed all hands on deck.

Gwaine marched out of the room stiffly and was barely out of sight when he broke into a run, footfalls echoing through the hall.

“Do you need me to carry him?” Percival asked. Arthur frowned, studying the boy who seemed to have only grown paler. And was he shuddering? Tremors ran up and down the servant, jarring his circle pattern.

“Let me try something else first.” Arthur strode forward again, nimbly stepping around and over the scattered dangers.

“Maybe clear these up a bit? He’ll need a clear path.” He called softly before crouching down again before Merlin.

“Merlin? Merlin, can you hear me? Hi. It’s me again. Think your ready to join the land of the living again?” He could hear the soft clanking of shifting weaponry as the friendly giant tried to move them as quietly as possible.

“You know,” Arthur continued, slowly reaching out his hand, making sure to do it in Merlin’s vision so he could see and react if he realized.

“I think that shield’s very polished now. Good job. You must be tired, huh? It’s late, maybe it’s about time to hit the sack, don’t you? You ready to go home?” Slowly, gingerly, Arthur laid his hand on Merlin’s shoulder.

Merlin blinked slightly, but other than that there was no change.

Arthur’s heart fell, but his voice was still light and encouraging.

“It’s been a long day, getting some sleep would be nice, huh? Peaceful?”

Merlin twitched slightly. His face shifted for an instant almost a frown.

“ _Ne’ worh…_ ” He mumbled and Arthur’s heart soared. He was responding! That couldn’t be bad, right? This was good?

“What, Merlin? What did you say? Can you understand me? Do you want to go home?”

“... _Artr nes m’ worh…”_ Merlin mumbled again, frowning ever so slightly off in the distance.

Worry lanced through Arthur again, replacing he relief from before.

He wasn’t making sense- was something wrong with his mind? Arthur couldn’t understand him!

“Merlin?”He asked, gently tightening his hold on the servants shoulder, as if the hold could pull Merlin back to him.

He was about to continue when Merlin, brows furrowed over his blank eyes spoke on, suddenly having lots to say.

“ _Ne’ m’. Gain ow o’ avern, gaysis rout, eli’n ift fer ‘en, civil rainin’, n’ohn els, ne’ m’. Lan’iloh ne’s…. En’s ‘lon’y Artr nes ‘o l’ste… Art nes efry’in… ban’i’s...potect….”_ Merlin’s meaningless mumbling slowly drifted off, his expression going blank again. Arthur’s heart lurched, but he shoved the panic away.

Merlin would be fine. Merlin would be fine. Merlin would be fine. Merlinwouldbefinemerlinwouldbe-

“Merlin, I swear by the stars, I’ll fix you. I’ll do whatever it takes, your going to be okay.” He promised, his voice barely audible, but the vow ringing in his heart.

“That’s wonderful, Merlin. I completely agree,” he said louder, a faint part of him still hoping to reach his friend.

“A night’s rest is just what we need…. So let’s just…” the moment of truth. With his one hand still firmly on Merlin’s shoulder, his other went to the shield, gently pulling it away from the smaller man’s grasp. It came without resistance. He set it beside them, every fiber of his body attuned to his actions.

“There you go, like that. Letting go can be hard sometimes, your doing great…” Arthur mumbled absently as his hands drifted under his friend’s elbows. Time seemed to hold it’s breath as he gently pulled up. But destiny’s favor shone on them and Merlin willingly let him guide him to his feet, swaying slightly even as Arthur slung the man’s arm over him to steady him.

“ _Artr nes m’.”_ Merlin tried again.

“That’s exactly right, up to bed, there you go. Let’s just take it nice and slow…” Arthur said, still not understanding a word the man said, just taking one step at a time, guiding him home.

***

“Maiden’s Legs, Princess, if you ask me that one more time I swear I’ll-”

“I’m your king! If I hear another threat from your lips I’ll cut out your tounge-”

“Gwaine! Maybe direct that energy towards finding what is hurting Merlin?”

“What do you think I’m doing?!”

“I think your-”

“Shove a sock in it, Lance-  how am I supposed to think when Arthur badgers me every second if I’ve found anything- like I’d keep something that could help Merlin secret-”

“Sir Gwaine, calm down or I will remove you from this room.”

“ _Like blinking blazes you will-_ ”

“Just calm down-”

“I will if I have to, don’t test me- Sire, we’re all trying our very hardest to find something and some of us are behaving less than ourselves because we’re worried and helpless-”

“Come out and say it to my face-”

“Sir Gwaine!-”

“Arthur!” Percival’s voice broke through the heated debate from where he knelt beside Merlin’s bed. “He’s burning again, and he’s starting to shake, every time one of you says something he flinches.”

Silence.

Shame.

Then everyone turned and attacked the books with a newfound ferver.

***

Hours later, with dawn slowly breaking, Elyan’s voice cut through the silence.

“Arthur, I think I found something.” Every knight scattered across the room stiffened, looking over the stacks of dusty books surrounding them and over at Elyan, who was nearly hidden by all the piles surrounding Gauis’s desk. Elyan looked at Arthur and nodded.

“I think I found it.” He said again, and the room let out a breath, as if it had been afraid it’d heard wrong. They shoved their books away and darted over, clustering around him worriedly. Only Gwaine remaining where he was, looking anxiously over at them from his vigil by Merlin’s bed.

“What is it? Is it magic?” Arthur asked urgently, his hand sliding to his sheath as if he could vanquish the unseen threat the second it was labeled.

Merlin whimpered below him at the last word and Gwaine spun, putting a comforting hand on the man’s shoulder.

“Don’t worry, mate. We’ll find whoever did this to you. You’ll be fine.”

“Actually Gwaine,” Elyan interrupted “It’s not magic.” The room all heaved a heavy sigh of relief. Percival frowned.

“Then what is it? If not magic, what could make him act this way?”

“It’s called ‘Night Living’-”

“We’re not talking about me-” Gwaine interrupted distractedly, as he rubbed the damp cloth over Merlin’s burning forehead again.

“No, not _that_ sort of Night Life- it says here it’s a rare desiese-” bodies locked and breath shuddered and heads turned to Merlin lying innocent and helpless on his cot.

“It’s not fatal-” Elyan exclaimed and everyone released held breaths and turned back to glower at him.

“You should’ve led with that, mate!”

“What is it then?”

“I’m trying to tell-”

“That’s it.” _Percival,_ gentle giant who only spoke when he thought it absolutely necessary, exclaimed, reaching over and grabbing the book before reading aloud in a soft voice.

“Night Living is a non-fatal brain activation in sleep, that can cause various effects, such as walking or talking during sleep.”

“He was asleep?”

“Then how did he get down there?”

“Did he know what he was doing? Was he aware?”

“What about the fever and the sickness? Did the Night Living cause that?”

“How do we cure him?”

“Hang on, hang on, I’ve found something: Night Living in of itself is not dangerous or harmful to the brain or body, however the subjects minds are confused when they are in such a state. They can see, but sometimes often think their seeing some other room or place than where their at. Their whole brain is not activated so their motor skills are likely impaired. Caution and supervision are recommended for safety during Night Living. Waking is not recommended, patients might be confused and react defensively.”

“Again, is there a cure?”

“What’s the cause? Why now?”

“It isn’t what’s making him sick?”

“It says here that the cause isn’t anything special. Some people are just born with the inclination for it. What else on cause...? Cause, cause… oh, people who Night Live often have a ‘purpose’ in their actions. Often they revisit familiar places they go when their awake, but sometimes their driven to do things outside of their usual patterns... no, that’s not it… hang on…”

“So, what he was doing with the weapons-”

“He was on a mission?”

“... there is no cure, most often occurs in small children and generally diminishes by adulthood…”

“Clearly that happened.” Arthur mumbled.

“Ah- found it! However, Night Living can reoccur or more frequent in a persons life based on dramatic changes in their day-life environment or situation,”

“So it’s not that.” Elyan mused.

“Changes in physical, mental, or emotional health…”

Gwaine frowned, looking down to study his patient’s moon-white face.

“So he got sick, and _then_ the Night Living thing-y came back?”

“Or- oh…”

That caught their attention. They stiffened and looked away from Merlin and back at Percival.

“What is it?” Lancelot asked apprehensivly.

Percival looked up to meet their gazes.

“A minor to dramatic increase in stress.”

Oh.

All of them felt the truth ringing in that statement.

That was the one.

“Oh Merlin, you big girl.” Arthur sighed worriedly.

“What could have stressed him so much so suddenly, it’s been a perfectly quiet-” Lancelot began but Gwaine bolted upright on his stool, swiveling to face his brothers.

“The bandits!”

Recognition dawned in their hearts.

Oh. The bandits.

“But we see bandits all the time.” Percival protested.

“Why these?” Elyan asked.

“Maybe because those three got away?” Gwaine challenged, a bite in his voice as he glared at Arthur.  Arthur glared back, heat rising in his face.

“Oh, and what you have done? Merlin was at-”

“Swordpoint.” Lancelot finished, seeming to go a shade paler as he looked at his unconsious friend.

“That’s what he’s stressed about.” Elyan said, understanding flashed across his face.

“And their still out there.” Arthur growled, self-hatred burning his voice.

“It’s not your fault, Sire. You did what any of us would’ve done- were about to do, actually.” Leon promised.

“They’ll never touch him.” Gwaine vowed darkly, wringing the dripping cloth out before placing it back on Merlin’s forehead.

“ _Never_.” Arthur agree with the same look in his eyes.

“So, this isn’t ridiculously dangerous to Merlin,and there’s nothing we can do to stop it from happening again, so what _are_ we going to do?” Percival asked, looking over at Arthur. Arthur, never tearing his eyes away from Merlin, said.

“We’ll treat him and when he’s better, we’ll tell him that there’s no way those three can hurt him. We’re going to protect him.”

 

The Knights nodded their agreement, steeling their eyes, clenching their jaws, squaring their shoulders.

 

Good, noble, brave intentions.

 

Stupid knights.

 

***

 

**_Things To Do While Gaius Is Gone:_ **

 

_Collect herbs,(daily)_

_Gauis’s rout, (daily)_

_Drag Gwaine from tavern, (daily)_

_~~Help Elyan find gift for Gwen~~ , _

_Percival’s training, (daily)_

_~~Talk with Gwen about what's bothering her~~_ _Talk to Arthur about paying attention to his wife,_

_~~Do the barrack’s snow sweeping for Lancelot~~ , _

~~_Keep an eye on Lancelot’s cold from last week (check if the cough is actually quieting),_ ~~ _(note to self, it has quieted, still under watch for other signs of lingering illness)_

_~~Sort the knight family records for Geoffrey~~ , _

_Deliver suspicious sorted records to Leon,_

_Millie's third term exaimination,_

_Cook's supplies run, (thrice weekly)_

 

 

Merlin skimmed past the next three pages of the instructions he’d written himself to the mostly blank page, with only one word from the previous list staining it.

 

**_Protect Them_ **

 

 _As good a place as any ,_ he thought, dipping his quill into the ink.

_Dear Freya,_

_I’ve sleepwalked again. Gwaine and Percival walked in on me in the armoury, apparently trying to polish everything with metal on it. Apparently I believe in working in my sleep now._

_I knew I was pushing myself a bit too hard, I should’ve probably done it a bit slower after the kidnapping._

_I didn’t think those bandits would find me so quickly. That’s why Arthur and the knights think I was doing it. They think I’m scared the men will come after me._

_They reassured me that they’ll protect me and the bandits won’t be able to hurt me, so I can stop worrying. It was very sweet._

_I didn’t have the heart to tell them when I escaped from the “tavern” I spelled the bandits._

_Fresh slates._

_I couldn’t risk leaving them with a grudge against Arthur._

_Besides, if I told them I’ve been stressed because the bandits almost got Arthur- because I almost failed, they’d never believe me anyway._

_I wish you were here._

_But I already know what you’d say._

_You’d tell me I need to remember to eat. That I need to sleep. That I need to take care of me so I can protect him._

_I get that. It’s just hard to remember when he’s being attacked, or poinsened, or captured, or nearly assasained, or spelled every time I turn my back._

_If I look away they’ll die. Like you._

_Maybe it’d be easier if I wasn’t his manservant. If I didn’t do all those extra things for them. But they need those things so much. And it’s the only thing that pulls me out of the dark void I was telling you about. The one with the thoughts? Helping them is the only thing that pulls me out of that. Maybe that’s why I’ve been spared when everyone I love seems to die. Maybe it’s so I can make their lives worth living._

_I’m trying._

_But I’ll try your way too, Freya._

_I love you. If I could have one selfish moment, it’d be to just end it so I could see you._

_But don’t worry, love...I’m not going to let the void win. I have to be strong for them. For Albion._

_My heart is yours, Always._

_Merlin._

 

Merlin leaned away from the leather-bound book, inspecting it for mistakes. Freya didn’t deserve mistakes. Satisfied, he dipped it into the ink again and wrote:

 

**_Things To Do When I Sneak Off Of Bedrest Tomorrow_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRANSLATION OF MERLIN'S SLEEPWALKING  
> (because I re-read the chap and sadly spent ten minutes trying to re-realize what I'd written:) )
> 
> Ne’ worh = need to work
> 
> Artr nes m’ worh = Arthur needs me to work
> 
> Ne’ m’. Gain ow o’ avern, gaysis rout, eli’n ift fer ‘en, civil rainin’, n’ohn els, ne’ m’. Lan’iloh ne’s…. En’s ‘lon’y Artr nes ‘o l’ste… Art nes efry’in… ban’i’s...potect…. = Needs me. Gwaine out of tavern, Gaius's route, Elyan's gift for Gwen, Percival's training, no one else, needs me. Lancelot needs... Gwen's lonely, Arthur needs to listen... Arthur needs everything... banish... protect...
> 
> Artr nes m = Arthur needs me


	2. The Time They Thought He Was Scared When He Cried

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But the Merlin now had no purpose.  
> No, Lancelot realized as he scanned Merlin again, the boy’s lost expression popping out at him like blood on snow.  
> Like someone’s taken it.
> 
>  
> 
> “And if you don’t start now, Hunith could be the next to receive the crown’s condolances!”
> 
> Always.

 

 

**_The Time They Thought He Was Scared When He Cried_ **

 

 

 

_It’s time. I’ve waited for so long. Let me go._

He realized he’d been here before. Tried to wake up but he was trapped.

Helpless.

_Be happy. I love you. Always._

No. No. NoNoNoNoNoNonononononononono... please... not again.....

_He was at a unpassable fork-a gulf- and either way was death._

_The attack was over in seconds._

_But then the choice was made- fate sealed. Closed. Final._

_The cheers of his friends clashed with the ripping of his heart. They surrounded him, but he was alone. Forever. Alone. Always._

 

Merlin wrenched awake, crashing into time, tears streaked down his cheeks as his chest spasmed, frigid air searing his lungs.

 

~

(Earlier that day)

 

From the look on Arthur’s face, Lancelot could gather the young monarch had hoped he’d go his whole life without ever facing another Bastet. But the King only frowned and straightened. In his short rein as king,  he’d realized very quickly that the rulers of the land rarely got what they wanted. The duties of a king.

“And your sure?”Arthur asked, his tone resigned. He already knew Leon wouldn’t have come to him if he hadn’t.

Leon nodded gravely from where he sat beside Lancelot. The action echoed on every knight’s face across the circular sphere, equally serious expressions on their faces. Even Gwaine on Lancelot’s right had straightened in his seat, pulling his feet off the table and staring seriously at Leon.

“Yes. The marks are the same as when the last beast entered Camelot. Except possibly bigger.”

Arthur nodded briskly, his eyes clear with clarity as his training wiped his mind of everything but the problem at hand.

“Right. Well, it doesn’t matter how big it is so long as it’s heart’s still unprotected.”Arthur began grimly before turning to his dark skinned knight to his left.

“Elyan, I need you to send the crown’s condolences and money to cover the  burials and the first month of living expenses to the families.” Elyan nodded, his determined gaze was soften by the compassion in his eyes, confirming Lancelot’s suspicions Arthur had chosen the best man for the job.

“Leon, round up the knights and the off-shift guards, I need everybody on hand, then set up a watch around Camelot’s periminiter. Lancelot straightened in his seat. Ready.

“This beast won’t hurt any more of my people. Percival, I want you with him.”

The giant and the head knight nodded stoickilly.

“Of course, Sire.”Leon promised.

Percival, ever a man of many words, nodded once more.

 

“Gwaine, Lancelot,”They both straightened expectantly. Gwaine with his jaw setting and his hand already creeping for his sword. Lancelot nodded, sending away his resignation and focusing his concentration  entirely on his King.

“You two are with me.” They nodded in unison. Pride warming Lancelot’s heart. It had taken Arthur so long to learn to trust anyone but Merlin after his sister’s betrayal, to be entrusted to guard the King’s back was an honor not given lightly.

“Merlin, make the preperations and ready-” but Arthur stopped as he heard his wife speaking at the same time, her voice soft and concerned.

“Merlin, are you alright?”

Lancelot broke his attention from Arthur, tearing away to the man standing behind him, sensing the rustling in the room as the other’s did the same.

Merlin stood behind Arthur, pale as a corpse, trembling like a leaf and clutching the silver water jug like it could save him from drowning. His cerulian eyes buldged, wild, and yet, somehow, strangely lost.

“Mate, you good over there?” Gwaine asked, his gentle tone carried across the hushed room.

But Merlin didn’t answer. Didn’t move. Didn’t blink.

 

Something undefinable twisted in Lancelot’s stomach, leaving him faintly sick . Something was wrong. Merlin was- Lancelot frowned.

Everything- the way his servant trembled, the wild wetness in his eyes as they stared unseeingly across the room, the soft desperate gasps as he tried to breath- screamed that _something_ was wrong. Something undefinable, something he felt in his bones he _should_ know. But he didn’t.

 

The familiarity of the situation struck him and Lancelot studied Merlin with new eyes, comparing him to that night all those weeks ago.

Was he asleep?

Had he somehow drifted off? Was he Night Living? His mind wanted to believe it. That was it. Nothing was wrong. His poor friend was just asleep.

But something in his heart turned the idea away. Yes, there were similarities, but Merlin was acting different than when he was asleep. When he was asleep he always had something he was trying to do, some sort of purpose.

But the Merlin now had no purpose.

_No,_ Lancelot realized as he scanned Merlin again, the boy’s lost expression popping out at him like blood on snow.

_Like someone’s taken it._

Lancelot glanced around at the knights, as if they might understand what he was missing, but their faces only mirrored his thoughts.

“Merlin-” Arthur started, and Lancelot’s eyes snapped back to the king who continued to stare at Arthur, his brows bent worriedly over confused, clouded eyes. But the Queen was already out of her seat, her purple skirts rustling as she rushed to Merlin’s side.

“Merlin,” she said, her voice soft and low, but the concern in it emanated from her like a battle cry.

“Are you alright?”gently, gingerly, her hands reached for him, one steadying the pitcher, the other lightly landing on his shoulder.

Merlin jerked, staggering back, clenching the jug even tighter as it’s contents sloshed all across his front, his eyes snapping wide like a startled doe, wild with…. with _something!_

Lancelot momentairly mentally growled at his inability to define what it was. It was like he was making a puzzle, and he knew what the picture was supposed to look like, but he was missing the one peice that made it blatantly obvious. How could he help Merlin if he couldn’t even figure out what was wrong with him?!

 

Gwen’s soothing tones pulled him back to the present.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to frighten you,”she murmured softly, stepping back and raising her hands in surrender, but the combination of worry and love on her face made it seem maternal instead.

Merlin shied away from the movement, seeming to curve in on himself, whatever terrible emotion locked in his eyes seemed to jump and scream at the action. Gwen hurridly lowered her hands, stepping back further, as if a wider gulf would sooth him.

“I was only trying to see if you were alright.”

Merlin frowned a moment, his breath still comming in ragged gasps. Then, a moment later, his eyes widened with recognition. A moment after that his features rearranged, like a quilt that had been patched too many times, hapazardly. Broken. Thin. His lips twisted up in a smile, but it was a ghost, haunted by the undefinable _something_ in his eyes.

“No, no- that’s fine- sorry, I didn’t…” Merlin said, his voice pinched, his gaze not on her, but glazed and staring at the door, his breaths ragged, his mind somewhere far away.

Worry twisted- gnawed inside Lancelot. His heart screamed against the servant’s words. This was wrong. _Something was wrong!_

“Merlin-” Lancelot started, his voice ringing with the echoes of several others in the room. Arthur pushed back his chair and rose- desperation burning in his eyes. Lancelot felt the same desperation twisting inside him. He wanted to sweep over to the poor man and enfold him into his protection- grab a hold of the situation, find what was wrong and help- fix it.

Merlin’s eyes darted to the king as he moved, dawning with recognition. They flickered with something darker, but before Lancelot could define it, it was gone.

“Merlin, we’re only trying-” Arthur started once more but Merlin tore his gaze from Arthur’s. His eyes flitting about everywhere but Arthur.

“Sorry, Gwen- I didn’t mean, I’m just… I’ll go- the horses…”Drunkenly, Merlin spun around and hobbled to the door.

“Merlin, wait-” Arthur started for the door, but the servant was gone.

“Maiden’s Legs!”Arthur exploded.

 

~

When a quarter hour later Lancelot, Gwaine, and Arthur walked into the courtyard to find no horses but a Merlin who seemed present and aware, if somewhat distracted, they didn’t say a word. They simply prepared their horses beside him, dissmissing his apologies, with Lancelot casually inspecting Merlin’s saddle for weak points before swinging into his own. They set off, the horseshoes ringing on the cobblestones until they passed Camelot’s gate. Then Merlin kicked his horse gently, pulling away from Arthur’s side and taking the lead. The three knights frowned after him, worry curled inside Lancelot, but before he could hurry after the servant, Gwaine kneed his own horse and sped off after him.

After a moment, his eyes still trained on Gwaine and Merlin ahead, Lancelot fell back into Merlin’s abandoned spot. Ready for the worried conversation that was obviously coming.

Up ahead, Gwaine was angled towards Merlin, trying to engage him in conversation, his posture nonchalant, but Lancelot could see the cloud of concern in his eyes. Arthur broke his gaze away from them, turning to Lancelot and he looked away from his friends ahead and turned to his King, ready. Trying to calm the anxious energy buzzing around him. It wouldn’t do Merlin any good.

“Lancelot, did anything strange happen last night? Who was on watch?”Arthur’s voice was thinly masked desperation, clearly hoping Lancelot would have some answer that would suddenly make everything clear and illuminate what Merlin needed. But Lancelot shook his head, tasting the same bitter disapointment that echoed in the King’s gaze.

“It was Elyan, but when he briefed me for tonight he said it was a peaceful night. All he wanted to do was look at the stars and Elyan got him back to bed in less than a quarter hour.”Arthur frowned, glancing up at Merlin. Lancelot followed suit and felt a frown twisting his lips as well as he saw the raven head swiviling around, his eyes tight and roving, his face pinched as he tried to represss that _something_ Lancelot would move worlds to understand.

Lancelot’s heart burned within it’s cage. His instincts all screamed something was very wrong with his friend- but, for the life of him- he didn’t understand what! Why was Merlin such a blasted enigma?! And why did he insist on internalizing everything? When something was wrong with one of his comrades, he could always tell when they started bullying training posts and glowering at the world- but Merlin did nothing! He kept smiling his caring grin and tripping over his feet- completely identical to how he behaved when he was happy! Until something like this happened and he broke and they didn’t know how to fix it because he wouldn’t tell them what was wrong or when it had started heading that way! Lancelot stared hopelessly ahead until he heard Arthur growl beside him.

“Stupid sparking manservant.”

Lancelot tore away from Merlin and looked up at his king, who glowered straight ahead, perhaps at his servant, but his eyes were so lost Lancelot couldn’t tell.

Lancelot understood the frustration behind the words

If they didn’t understand- how could they help?

_Worry later- pull yourself together and use your brain! He was fine last night, so whatever went wrong must’ve happened today._

“When did you notice something was wrong with him?” Lancelot asked, Arthur turned to him, the clouded confusion in his eyes disappearing. A focal point he could close in on and block everything else out. He responded without hesitation.

“During Leon’s report.”

Well, that at least meant Lancelot hadn’t been oblivious to Merlin’s pain. But the image of his friend’s unexplainable, undefinable emotion popped into his head and he flinched. That wasn’t good enough.

“Me too. Before or after Gwen-?” Arthur frowned, being less ready with this question.

“At the same time, I believe. I was just registering something was wrong when she said so-”

“Merlin? Merlin!”Gwaine screamed. Lancelot’s heart stopped and he and Arthur spun around to see Gwaine twisting in every direction, wild panic in his eyes as he searched desprately. The horse beside him vacant except for the faintest whisp of gold mist.

Oh. Magic.

Why hadn’t he thought of that before?!

~

“It wasn’t my fault!”

“Really?! Than how do you explain it? He just poofed away and you didn’t notice anything?!”

_Magic.  There’s something wrong with his magic._

“Yes! One minute he was there and then the next he was gone!”

“The sorcery happened _right in front of you!_ You had to notice something!”

_And that’s why he’s scared of Arthur, because he can’t control it._

“There was nothing to notice! You think I wasn’t paying attention to my best friend after everything that’s happened today?!”

“You didn’t notice something was wrong with him earlier!”

_And now he’s unable to defend himself with the Bastet- that’s it!_

“Neither did you!”

“Are you saying I don’t pay attention to my own servant-”

_Of course! This is the Bastet’s fault! We defeat it, we save Merlin._

“Are you-” Gwaine began again, his voice seething, his volume bellowing across the forest, sending birds squawking and flapping away.

“Gwaine! How can I listen for the Bastet _or Merlin_ if you keep screaming?!”

“He thinks I wasn’t paying attention-”

“And if you don’t start now, Hunith could be the next to receive the crown’s condolances!”Lancelot yelled, finally loosing hold of the tight ball of anxiety he’d been containing. The effect on the others was immediate. Gwaine looked like he’d been slapped, the anger searing in his eyes morphing to a burning guilt. Arthur reeled back, washing as white as a ghost, his mouth falling open in horror, eyes sparkling with grief.

The knot loosed inside him, Lancelot growled softly under his breath, stealing two quick breaths from the cold air around. Calm. He needed to be calm. He needed to be calm and he needed his head in the moment.

Because Merlin was out there, alone and scared, with a wild monster that hurt magic on the loose.

And Merlin needed him.

In. Out. _Calm._

The wild racing of his pulse soothed slightly.

In. Out.

“Arthur, I’m so-” Gwaine started, turning ashamed to their King. But Arthur shook his head fervantly.

“It’s forgotten. And it is I who should be apologizing to you, Sir Gwaine. I know you did your best-”

_“-_ **_please!_ ** _”_ The scream rang through the trees, crashing into them and pulsing through their heads

piercing their hearts, stabbing their souls.

The scream abruptly cut off.

A pause, an instant, breath held as they waited.

Then it was over.

“ _Merlin!_ ”

They charged forward blindly, chasing after their brother’s screams, swords drawn, blood pulsing, hearts tearing, praying.

Lancelot pulled ahead stopping abruptly as he crossed into a clearing. Red clashed with black in the sky, contrasting the scene in front of him.

Merlin stood, pale and illuminated in the fading light, a sword in his hands, the edge embedded into the chest of a black cat with wings towering above him. Merlin’s eyes were locked with the beasts, his chest heaving, his body trembling, his eyes overflowing with tears, burning with the _something_ \- the fear, Lancelot now knew.

Then, like he was the one impaled, Merlin let out an animalistic, anguished sob. He wrenched the sword back, silver and scarlet glittering through the air as he threw it away from him violently, still trembling- barely holding himself together. For a weighted moment, the cat remained standing, then it simply fell to the forest floor.

Merlin stood above it for a moment. Shaking like a leaf, _terror_ burning in his eyes behind the armies of tears coursing down his cheeks. Looking down at it.

Then he crumpled.

Crashed to ground, curling in on himself, hands going to his mouth like it could block the sobs shuddering through him, a terrible, inhuman cry escaping him.

 

Lancelot stood frozen locked in place by some unseen power. Unable to tear away. His blood ice, his heart still, his breath trapped.

Then the moment broke.

“Merlin-” he gasped, tossing his sword behind him and sprinting across the moss, falling at his friend’s side.

“Merlin-” he reached out for the boy, and Merlin collapsed against him, sobbing heart-wrenching sobs.

“ _...‘m sorry… ‘ so sorry… ‘m sorry…”_ Merlin whimpered. Inconsolable.

Lancelot understood. Poor, innocent Merlin who hated killing animals had been forced to slaughter one for his people, magic, and safety. Now the fear was overwhelming him.

Lancelot held him, enfolding him, protecting him. Merlin cried.

And cried.

And, after over an hour, cried himself to sleep.

Gwaine and Arthur gathered the supplies, cleaned the swords, readied the horses and the three knights took their friend home.

 

~

(now)

  
  


_It’s time. I’ve waited for so long. Let me go._

He realized he’d been here before. Tried to wake up but he was trapped.

Helpless.

_Be happy. I love you. Always._

No. No. NoNoNoNoNoNonononononononono... please... not again.....

_He was at a unpassable fork-a gulf- and either way was death._

_The attack was over in seconds._

_But then the choice was made- fate sealed. Closed. Final._

_The cheers of his friends clashed with the ripping of his heart. They surrounded him, but he was alone. Forever. Alone. Always._

Merlin wrenched awake, crashing into time, tears streaked down his cheeks as his chest spasmed, frigid air searing his lungs.

 

Desperately, he forages under his pillow, grabbing his journal, his other hand shooting out and snatching the ink and quill. Frantically, his tears making it impossible to see, his hands shaking so hard he splashed the ink all across himself, he attacks the first page he sees.

_Freya,_

_I’m sorry. I’m so so so sorry. I tried so hard but I failed. I’m a monster and I’m so sorry. I say I love you and then I go and I slaughter another of your kind. I’m no better than Arthur- no. I’m worse. Infinitely worse. I knew what I was doing and I did it anyway and I’m so sorry. The knights tell me I’m brave, they said it’s okay to be scared, that I did amazing. I wish I could burn their words from my mind. They think I’m scared. All I could see as I stabbed him were your beautiful eyes blinking back at me. So scared…. I’m so sorry. There’s no forgiveness._

_He wasn’t like you- I went inside his head to try and reason with him, he’d done it to himself- he did it to kill Arthur and I couldn’t I’m so sorry. So many innocents- all for one man. It is my destiny to protect Arthur. I never realized I’d lose myself. I’m so sorry, My Love._

_I’m sorry I couldn’t find another way._

_I’m sorry I killed him._

_I’m sorry I let him kill you._

_And what hurts, what burns so much hotter than the guilt, bleeds deeper than the grief- what_ **_hurts so bad_ ** _is knowing you forgive me. You don’t see there’s anything forgive. My hands are stained bright red and you’ll see only snow. You’ll hold them. You’ll say I did what I had to do. That it was noble. That it was good. That your proud._

_And it hurts that you love a monster. You can’t even see what I am, your so blinded._

_I’m so sorry._

_I’m so sorry that I love you too._

_That this monster is so broken and stupid and selfish that I_ ~~can’t~~ _won’t pull away._

_I’m sorry because as much as my soul screams for peace, as much as my heart is sobbing- bleeding to be with yours, I can’t leave._

_As much as I want to die, I have to stay._

_I’m sorry because I have to choose my destiny so one day no thing will ever be slaughtered in ignorance again. So our people can be safe._

_What happened to you will never happen again, I promise._

_I’m a selfish, terrible monster._

_There is so much blood on my hands._

_So many wrong choices._

_I’m so sorry._

_I love you, and I’m so sorry for that too._

_But I do. I have, I will._

_Always._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I'm sorry it took so long!! I know it's unreasonable, but I had about a millions panics because i really wanted to do this one right and make it as good as the first, so i kept re-writing and re-writing and i actually even changed the prespective from Arthur to Lancelot today, and after I did that it flowed a little better. So im not completely sold on it, but I decided to stop being a wuss. :) let me know what you think down below- what you liked, and if you've got ANY constructive critisism I would LOVE to hear it!!  
> I love you all! Thank you all sosososo much for your comments and kudos, they've lit up my life!!!


	3. The Time Merlin Saved Them But No One Saves Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If later questioned, the cook would say she’d never seen the meat and mead loving Gwaine grab such tame and mild soups as seriously as he had today. 
> 
> The Armoury Keeper had never seen weapons of destruction seized with such a deadly look in the usually gentle giant’s eyes. 
> 
> The Stable Boy would swear he’d never seen anybody prepare horses at the speed the Head Knight did. 
> 
> Gwenevere had never been so worried, despite her husband beside her, then when Elyan had tore through the infirmary, grabbing every emergency healing thing in sight.
> 
> And the Guards at the Gate had never felt such sympathy for whoever those knights were going out to face.

_heshurt  bleedingdYINgheneeeeds ive gOt tooo helpaloNE dyingNEedshavetfind_

~

(Same Time Camelot’s Outskirts)

 

There was something gnawing in the back of his mind, a worm twisting in his gut, a feeling on the edge of defining, it was something important. But whatever it was was just out of his reach. Gwaine scowled. It was important! He knew it...

Horse? Check.

Apple bag? Check.

Firey spirits? Check.

That was everything! It was all there- _wait…_

“Percy, you’ve still got the King?” Gwaine called from the back of the formation. Percival, who rode the horse charging ahead, gave no response, too far gone to hear. But Leon turned back and glared sternly.

“Gwaine, the King is dying! This hardly the time for your jests!”

Dying Princess? Check.

That was everything important.

_Right?_

Gwaine mentally shrugged the strange _something_ away, pressing his knees ever so slightly harder into the horse’s side.

“Hang in there, Princess, we’re almost home...just hold on…”

Beyond Gwaine’s impeccible hearing, Arthur whimpered in response.

 

~

“You couldn’t have picked a better time to die, Princess.”

Arthur lay still beneath Gwaine, his eyes closed loosely, his face, for once, relaxed. Almost tranquile. So pale and still Gwaine would’ve actually thought him dead if it hadn’t been for the rattling sound that wheezed out of him every time his reluctant chest fell.

Gwaine’s heart twitched in silent relief as he watched the King painfully inhale once again. Alive.

“I mean it, seriously. Morgana’s dead. Gwen’s already Queen so there won’t be a messy uprising. You’ve spent so much time pawing her the whole heir thing should be taken care of-”

“Gwaine!” The good Queen across him gasped, but it sounded more like a surpressed chuckle. He looked up at her, the soft part of him he mentally refered to as Merlin warming at the sight of Gwen, dressed in her regal purple skirts, uncaring of the scarlet staining them, kneeling at Arthur’s bedside, pressing a wet cloth to his burning forehead.

Gwaine smiled back, despite the worry gnawing in his stomach and the feeling of _something_ missing twisting in his head. If she could smile than he had better plaster one of his own.

“You’re obviously already aware, M’lady. But anyway, Princess, you’ve got your beautiful terror coming, so the future of Camelot will be secure for many years after the sickening boring peace drives our fair Gwen to retirement. And you’ve got the best Knights in the world- _ahem, yours truly_ \- so things won’t fall into complete caos-”

“This is your idea of convincing me to stay?” A husky voice croaked beneath them, barely audible at all- but they heard it.

Gwaine snapped his eyes to Arthur’s face, a grin stretching across his face as he saw the parchment pale lids had opened and glazed blue was slowly blinking up at them, if furrowed slightly in confusion.

“No ‘we need you, Arthur, there’s so much left and only you can do it for us’ or a ‘please, we’re helpless without you, we wouldn’t know what to do’ or even an ‘Arthur, I love you and I couldn’t bear to breath a moment without you and if you die you might as well plunge the dagger into my chest because I won’t live without you’...” Arthur’s words were breathless and ragged, in the end trailing off into nothing, but their hearts exploded with relief.

“Sorry Princess, I think I’d plunge a dagger in my chest before I ever told you I love you.”

“Arthur- your awake! Oh, I’m so glad your okay-”

The relief that shook Gwen’s voice flooded through Gwaine. He grinned at the two of them, unable to stop himself.

The strange feeling- the one he only got when wisky buzzed through his veins - that same strange feeling charged through him now, lifting him- making him feel almost tipsy.

Which was strange. Because for once in his life, sobriety was coursing in his blood.

At least, he thought it was.

 _That’s not drink you idiot,_ the Mind Merlin scoffed, grinning smugly. _It’s love._

Gwaine shoved the strange mental image away.

 _Honestly._ Love. Love meant attachment. Strings. Chains.

And nothing was going to hold Gwaine down.

He could stroll out those gates any time he wanted.

He just didn’t feel like it yet.

But when he did- he was as free as a bird.

“No your not,” Arthur mumbled, slowly, painfully twisting his head around to look up into his wife’s relieved gaze, a pout still twisting his lips.

Gwaine started. _Did Arthur just hear my thoughts?_

“You told me to go ahead and die- marrying me was just a-” Oh. No. He was talking to Gwen. Arthur drew a shaky breath, wincing as though a knife rippled through him. _Which_ , Gwaine thought, glancing at the King’s tightly wrapped midriff, _is probably fairly accurate._

“...Clever ruse…” he huffed his eyes shining brighter, more glazed. He closed them, his face twisting with pain. Coherency swiftly abandoning him. Gwen held his hand tightly in hers, bringing it to her lips before resting her cheek against it and looking down at him with such a deep love burning in her eyes that Gwaine felt his cheeks flush- Maiden’s Legs! He wasn’t some little child to sqawk at the sight of affection- but the love between them seemed so strong- so sacred- so… _intimate_ that he couldn’t help but blush.

“It’s alright, Arthur, rest. Gaius’ll be back any minute, he’s gone to fetch the herbs for your stomach-” Gwen murmured, light dancing in her eyes. Arthur huffed again, seeming to lack the energy for anything else.

“Not sleepy… bed’s a rock…” he trailed off again, the energy too much.

Gwaine, his embarassment going as quickly as it had come, grinned.  The Merlin inside of him warming and smiling at the sight of the Princess safe.

Merlin tended to worry about that sort of thing. It was perfectly natural his Mental Merlin did the same.

Because Mental Merlin’s were perfectly natural things.

Everyone should have one. It was like having a good, bossy little person in your heart telling you what you should do. Like a- a…

Well, a Mental Merlin, obviously.

The concern and this strange dizzying relief were all Mental Merlin’s fault.

“I’m sure Merlin will be ecstatic to hear you think so, Princess...” Gwaine began, frowning slightly and trailing off as the _something_ attacked him again- near barreling him over with it’s ferocity. It burned inside his head, wriggled in his heart, every fiber of his being suddenly seeming to scream _wrong._

“Seeing how he lent it to you and…” he trailed off again as the _wrong_ intensified, writhing within him. He scowled, attacking his sentence in his head- as he tried to remember what in Maiden’s Shapely Silky Legs was _wrong._

What had he said? He’d said nothing!

Nothing at all except teasing Arthur about Merlin-

The burning soothed. Calmed within him. Loosening the vice-like grip on his heart, leaving his mind suddenly silent.

Merlin?

Merlin was wrong?

But no- that couldn’t be it!

The wrong feeling had gotten mixed up somewhere.

Merlin was the most right thing on earth!

It wasn’t possible! Merlin was fine- worried to death about Arthur, that was why he’d given his-

Merlin had given his bed.

Gwaine could see it so clearly in his head- Merlin’s eyes wide and wild with worry, his mouth pinched, jaw locked as he held his emotions in, the tightness in his shoulders and the shaking in his voice a further testament to his panic as he selflessly offered up his bed with it’s proximity to Gaius for his King.

Gwaine could see it clearly!

Only…  he couldn’t remember it...

But he hadn’t invented it! He wasn’t crazy!

...Right...?

 _No- no!_ They’d brought Merlin home- of course they hadn’t left him!- that was absurd! He remembered it clearly! They’d had everything on the important list!

The horse. The apple bag banging against his hip. The wiskey sloshing in it’s flask hanging from his neck. The dying Princess. And Merlin _._ Of course Merlin!

 _No._ The feeling of _wrong_ evaperated. Leaving Gwaine an empty shell. Hollow. Merlin hadn't been on the Important list.

A knowing feeling twisting in his gut. He felt sick.

He hadn’t remembered Merlin.

He’d forgotten him.

"...that's good of him..." The most good man in the world.

"...sleepin' on the floor..." The cold, filthy cave.

"...not fair... we coul' share..." Alone.

"Arthur, I don't think Merlin's bed is quite big enough to share. But we'll find him something-" Forgotten.

"...our's big enough... could sleep with you..." Alone.

"I imagine if you were slightly more aware you'd have a few problems with that, but it's a very sweet idea. You should rest now, my Love. Everything's alright."

The world fell apart. Shattered. Alone. Forgotten on the cold stone.

The most good man in the entire world.

And Gwaine had abandoned him.

 

~

“Percy?! Percival! Lance- Leon- anyone! Elyan? _Percy!_ ” Gwaine’s bellows hitched up to hysteria as he barreled through the halls. His panicked words onimnous echos and wild ferocity in his eyes sent servants spinning away as he charged through them.

“Gwaine?”

“Is the King alright?! He’s not-” Percival’s low rumble and Elyan’s soft lilt pierced through the disjointed thoughts tumbling about in Gwaine’s head. Dragging him back into reality. He spun around to find ebony and ivory skin, plainclothes, and chocolate and umber eyes looked back at him. Gwaine saw it all, their tight face, the worry twisting beneath the fire in their eyes, their set jaws, hands reaching for their sides- he saw it all.

But the only thing he registered was Percival’s rippling unprotected muscles.

“Oh thank Heavens- yes! Just the man I need- quickly!- he’s hurt, or he would’ve been back by now and I don’t know if he’ll be stable enough for the horse, so you might have to carry him, twenty miles shouldn’t be a problem though- but c’mon! We’ve got to hurry- it’ll probably be snowing again by the time we find him- and Mordred said she’s dead but we left him with her corpse! Her corpse! She used to be his friend! Of all the- hurry up! We’ve got the get there before he wakes up - oh heaven’s: if he wakes up! He’ll think we’ve left him for dead!-” Gwaine’s heart thudded against the iron chains encasing it- beating in time with the thoughts that had been tearing about inside of his head as they tumbled through his lips.

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid! I left him! I left him! The most pure thing in the entire world and I abandoned him!_

“I’m so stupid! He never would’ve left me- any of us! He would have remembered us the instant he made his list of important things! Every one of us would’ve been on it! He should have been the first on it! Above the horse and the apples and that stupid wiskey- he should’ve been first!-”

He was facing the hall again.

But it was passing him by. He heard the clatter of boots on cobblestone but he couldn’t understand it- too consumed with the fire raging in his head. It crawled in his stomach, pulsed through his-thank-whatever-entity-lived-above-sober blood.

If he hadn’t been-!

Gwaine shuddered at the image of a mound of scarlet snow being brushed away to reveal his best friend as white as a corpse.He heard the snow that crunched under his feet as he desperately charged to save the man who was already dead.

 _No! No! You’ll find him- he’s going to be okay! Your going to get there on time- you’ll save him._ Mental Merlin soothed, a candle nearly suffocating in the dark of his heart, trying vainly to spread it’s warmth. Gwaine shook his head, fervently. Stupid Mental Merlin. This was all Gwaine’s fault.

His stupidity had almost cost Merlin his life- it still could!

And if he’d been drunk right now-

He was never drinking again.

There was resistance behind him. Pulling him back. But the clanging of boots on stone pressed forward, undaunted. Something soft was in his fist. Strange. He’d thought his pummel was hard. He glanced down at it to find pale blue cloth. He couldn’t understand it. Blurs of colors, fragments of sounds, the beating of his heart- thick in his ear all crashed into him- drowning each other out so he could hear nothing at all.

“Gwaine? Stop!”

“What’s wrong? What are you talking about- is it Arthur? Slow down! Gwaine- Gwaine?! Percival, stop him-”

The words were nonsense -pointless- meaningless. But then the resistance stopped resisting and simply stopped. Gwaine hadn’t realized he’d been moving till he wasn’t.

He spun around to face whatever had stopped him- but colors blurred and the world tilted on it’s axis.

Down down _down_

_CRACK!_

A charcoal fist crashed into Gwaine’s nose. Pain lanced through him, shocking his mind from it’s desperate spiral- as his nose crunched sickeningly and blood poured down his lips.

The force of the punch sent him staggering backward, his boot tripping on his cape and down he started again- but Percival’s hand struck out and snatched his arm, yanking him upright and steadying him.

“Thanks.” He huffed. The Giant nodded, his brows furrowed over worried eyes.

Gwaine didn’t bother trying to cup or stop the blood. He had more important things to do. His head was finally clear and the thrumming of his pulse promised he’d be ready for whatever he had to face to save Merlin.

“Sir Elyan- did you just _punch_ Gwaine?!” A familiar british broque questioned incredulously.

“I’m sorry- I’m sorry! But he’s going crazy and he keeps saying we have to hurry, and if it’s something important-”

“Of course it’s important-!” Gwaine exclaimed.

“Gwaine!”

“Sir Gwaine!”

Gwaine didn’t realize he’d grabbed Elyan’s shoulders to punctuate his statement until he saw Percival step forward to pull him off. He ignored the Giant. He was back in control and _this was blinking important!_

“It’s Merlin!”

The chocolate eyes only a breath away clouded in confusion. Percival’s narrowed as he tried to understand. And for a second Gwaine wanted to punch them.

Didn’t they see how important this was?!

“Merlin!” He shouted again, his voice hitching up toward hysteria again.

But it was Leon who realized, his voice thick with guilt.

“We left him.”

Pandemonium.

 

~

If later questioned, the cook would say she’d never seen the meat and mead loving Gwaine grab such tame and mild soups as seriously as he had today. The Armoury Keeper had never seen weapons of destruction seized with such a deadly look in the usually gentle giant’s eyes. The Stable Boy would swear he’d never seen anybody prepare horses at the speed the head knight did. Gwenevere had never been so worried, despite her husband beside her, then when Elyan had tore through the infirmary, grabbing every emergency healing thing in sight.

And the Guards at the Gate had never felt such sympathy for whoever those knights were going out to face.

 

Gwaine had been greatfull and devestated when it had started to snow.

Greatful the the biting cold kept him awake and alert, stopped him from slipping back into the wild, uncontrollable panic bubbling within him, threatening to burst free at any moment. Devestated because Merlin was hurt -possibly dying- and the frigid cold could only encourage his deteriorating condition.

But they’d been traveling for hours, and there was only so long cold could combat his racing mind- contain the panic threatening to spill out of him.

No. He had to keep it together.

For Merlin.

For Merlin.

Merlin.

But as the horses continued step after racing step, the proof of how far they’d come being blanketed the second it appeared. Like it’d never existed at all.Like they were forever trapped at the begining. Like every stride, every mile, was pointless. Merlin was years away- a lifetime ago- slipping past. Going. Going. Gone.

He felt himself starting to spiral again down down down out of control- too fast to stop.

No! He had to keep it together.

For Merlin.

For Merlin…

Oh spades, he had to keep it together…

He needed something to pull him back- to ground him.

What would ground him when his anchor was dead?

No. He would’t- he _couldn’t_ -

Gwaine wouldn’t let him.

Gwaine would save him.

He needed something- anything- to help stay in the moment, in time.

But his horse charged ahead, leaving the others far behind in his reckless chase.

And the Princess he always argued with when he began to spiral was oblivious miles behind.

And the man who always calmed was worlds ahead.

_He’d going to be okay. Your going to save him and he’ll be safe and he’ll be okay and happy. Your going to get there in time- your going to save him. Your not going to fail him!_

His Mind Merlin- the part of him that really wasn’t Merlin but spoke sense in a way that certainly didn’t come from Gwaine, promised fervantly inside him.

It was a flickering candle- but despite the winds howling and twisting and the storm cracking within his heart- it still burned.

“How do you know?” Gwaine whispered aloud, his words lost in the whipping wind. It was snowing harder than he’d thought. Maybe he’d been slipping away longer than he realized.

_Because he’s never failed you._

And the candle seemed to be stronger, brighter. And Gwaine forced himself to let it fill him, stole a freezing breath and willed his heart to slow, his pulse to steady.

Mind Merlin was absolutely right- he couldn’t afford to believe anything else.

So Gwaine squared his shoulders, kicked his mare to impossible speeds, and did the only thing he ever did to calm himself.

“So, Merlin, did I ever tell you about the time I woke up naked in a dog's bed-”

***

It turned out even knights bundled up in plain clothes, full armour, and thick, woolen Camelot cloaks could numb and slowly shut down in the biting winds whipping into them as they raced through the open fields.

Hours ago Gwaine had worried about what this terrible twist in fate meant for his dying friend.

But hypothermia has a powerful way of making people- even noble knights people forget important things.

“An-an-an...d… she w-w-as….. Thri-trill-...frill…”

He didn’t know who he was talking too.

Or what he was saying.

Or why it was important.

But it was.

Important.

Right?

…

_Right...?_

Something twisted in his heart- something he didn’t understand. He felt like he should’ve- like he had. A lifetime ago. But now it was burried. Miles beneath the snow- the ice encasing his heart.

So easy to ignore.

Just a speck of… _something_ in a world of cold. Of white.

It was all around him.

Enfolding him.

Protecting him.

Welcoming him into it’s warm embrace.

It was warm now.

Warm and comforting.

Secure.

Safe.

He could stay forever.

He would stay. He would…

“-stay with me, Gwaine, just stay with me- your going to be fine, _please_ -!” The voice interrupted the peaceful silence, sparking the something within him. It sounded worried, desperate. He wanted to help. Didn’t the voice know he was okay? He was so safe… so warm…

“-just hang on, stay with me- _oh please Gwaine_ -” The voice sounded so heartbroken. Gwaine wished the poor soul would understand. He was warm. He was safe. They just had to

“....stay….” he breathed, turning to the light. Light. Warmth. White.

Black.

***

***

Pain.

But not in his head.

He wasn’t hungover?

If so this was the worst he’d ever been- his entire being from his nose down to his toes burned.

Fire pumped through his veins.

Searing.

But he was cold.

So cold.

 

***

The fire and cold was gone. Replaced with aches rolling over his entire body in waves. A moan slipped from his throat and then he was gone again.

 

***

Warmth. Gentle, featherlike touches across his forehead.

“Sleep, Gwaine. Your safe.”

Safe.

Warm.

He slept.

 

***

He smelled food. Meat of some sort. Bacon? He loved bacon. Someone was making him bacon. How sweet. Most women wanted nothing to do with him when the sun rose. He pulled open his eyes- where they always this heavy?- and frowned. His woman was a man. A man with grey hair and an arching eyebrow above blue grey eyes. He blurred slightly and Gwaine blinked. When he opened his eyes again, his mind finally caught up with what he was seeing. Gaius.

“Oh…”

“I’ll be with you in a moment, Sir Gwaine.”  Gaius chuckled softly from before the fire in the room past the open door. The infirmary, he realized.

“Ah, nice of you to join the land of the living, _Sir Gwaine._ ”

The words, which came from somewhere to his right, were pleasant- until the end.

His name was said with a quiet deadliness.

Gwaine frowned. He knew that voice… he twisted and blinked in confusion. There, sitting in a wooden chair beside his bed, shirtless, and wrapped tightly in bandages, smiling down at him with a hard steel in his eyes, was the King.

“Ah, good morning Princess. What are you doing in my corner of the world?” Gwaine asked, his voice rough and raspy. A frog’s croak.

“It was my corner of the world before you invaded it.” Arthur said conversationally, leaning back slowly, so as not to bump his injuries. But even that seemed deadly.

Gwaine frowned. What did Arthur mean? And why did he seem to want to watch Gwaine suffer? What had he done? And why was he in bed when Arthur was injured?  Was that why Arthur’s panties were in a twist? Was he in Arthur’s bed when he was supposed to be-

“ _Merlin!_ ” Gwaine shouted, eyes bulging, tearing upwards.

Merlin. Alone. Cave. Hurt. Dying. Snow. Freezing. Frozen. Dying. Dead.

“Ah, I see you’ve realized the problem.” Arthur said icily.

No. No. Nononononononononononononono….

Not Merlin.

_No!_

He’d failed. He’d abandoned the best thing in the world and he’d died. Cold. Alone.

Dead.

“Arthur- what’s wrong with him?” Someone gasped. Gwen, Gwaine realized faintly. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.

Merlin was dead.

“He remembers that they abandoned Merlin.” Arthur said easily.

Abandoned. Alone. Dead.

“And you didn’t tell him?!”

Dead.

“I saw no reason too. I think he needs to realize the gravity of the situation."

Gravity. Dead.

He’d always thought love was a chain, and iron lock pinning him down, capturing him against his will.

But it wasn’t.

It was gravity. Pulling him to the earth. An anchor from drifting lost and alone.

A lifeline from drowning in life's gripping depths.

Dead.

The only thing- the only person that had ever been his gravity. His anchor. His lifeline- was dead.

Gone.

And it was all his fault.

“Arthur! Look at him!”

All his fault.

“I-”

“You’d better be ashamed of yourself! Putting him in this state!”

He didn’t realize his shoulders were shaking until a gentle hand pressed on them.

He didn’t realize he was gasping for air until a soothing voice whispered he wasn’t breathing.

He didn’t realize he was sobbing until featherlike fingers wiped the tears away.

“Shh, everything alright. Merlin’s alive- he’s safe- he’s right here, he’s home. Your alright, Gwaine. I promise. Everything’s fine-”

Gwaine didn’t understand.

Merlin was dead. They’d gone to find him and he was

...alive?

“He’s alive, I promise. He’s right here- sound asleep. He’s alive-”

Alive. Alive. Breathing. A heart beating in his chest. Air filling his lungs. _Sweet, beautiful blood pulsing through his veins- alive!_

“Sire- what have you done to my patient?!”

“I didn’t mean too! I only thought-”

“He thought he’d tell him his best friend died. Like he enjoys sleeping alone at night-”

“Gwen-!”

“Sire-!”

Gwaine tuned them out, tearing open the eyes he hadn’t realized he’d shut, blinking rapidly, trying to clear his tears away so he could _see._ His pulse thrummed to the beat of the one thought marching in his head.

_Alive. Alive. Alive. Alive. Alive. Alive. Alive. Alive._

The candle, that pathetic flickering glow grew, swelled within his breast until it filled his entire heart, warming him to his tips in a way nothing he’d ever experienced had.

_Alive!_

His eyes cleared, he searched, past the plain clothes and the face they belonged to surrounding his bed. He looked out of the room, Merlin’s room, he realized, searching into the Infirmary beyond.

His eyes widened with surprise.

The room, lit by the soft, cheerful, glow of the fireplace, was littered with the bodies of his comrades.

 _No,_ he realized immediately, thankfully before he could panic again. _Their asleep._

His eyes darted across the room, scanning, searching. Taking in the whole picture while searching for the most important piece.

Leon, a red blanket draped over him was curled upon the medicine table. His chest rising and falling slowly. Across from him, back against a wall, his head resting on a pillow atop three large books was Percival. Curly black hair that could only be Elyan’s peeped out of the scarlet mound of blankets smushed against Percival’s stomach. Their breathing deep and in sync with the other. Lancelot, the only one not burrowed in a pile of red, sat on a three-legged stool, his elebow on his knee and his chin in his hand, snoring softly.

And- there! _Merlin!_ Stretched flat on his back on Gauis’s cot in the corner closest to the fire, all but his moon-white face encased in thick blankets that moved up and down slowly. Soothingly.

_Alive! He’s alive!_

Gwaine’s heart filled with unexplainable joy and he fell back against his pillows, suddenly exausted.

Brothers dying and then coming back could be so draining.

“Princess...? I hate you.” Gwaine mumbled breathlessly, closing his eyes eyes and exhaling heavily, the grief rolling off of him in dizzying waves.

“Just imagine how I feel about the men who abandoned my brother.” Arthur said coldly. Gwaine hummed slightly in response, not needing to open his eyes to see the daggers the Physician glared at the King.

“Arthur,” Gwenever sighed heavily.

“What?” He challenged, a darkness in his tone Gwaine hadn’t heard since Morgana’s betreyal.

“Just… maybe now’s not the best time.”

“Are you saying-”

“I’m not saying anything except we nearly lost them. Not just Merlin. All of them.” Merlin’s bed groaned and her skirts rustled and then she was gone, bustling about the Infirmary, taking care of the others, Gwaine assumed.

“Gaius, can you help me-” She called softly. Gwaine wasn’t fooled. She wanted to leave him and Arthur alone.

Gaius cleared his throat.

“Right, of course, M’lady.”  He shuffled away to join her, out of earshot.

They sat in silence for a moment.

Gwaine felt himself stabilizing. His pulse stopped threading and slowed, the pounding of his heart eased. Breath slid in and out of his lungs slowly.

Merlin was alive. Gravity held to the earth- centered him.

But how?

“What happened?” He asked softy, still keeping his eyes closed.

“Before or after you left him for dead?” Arthur’s words cut, but he said them softly. Guiltily.

He didn’t need to feel guilty.

Gwaine deserved his wrath.

He’d almost let his best friend die.

“After.”

“He saved you.” Gwaine opened his eyes and twisted his head so could Arthur.

“He saved us?” Gwaine echoed, surprised.

How did he save them when he was dying in a cave?!

Arthur nodded, and his eyes softened slightly, the ice melted a bit.

“After you four idiots left in an unprepared panic, you got caught in the snow. It became a storm, than a blizzard.” Gwaine remembered it now. The white. The cold. He shivered unconsciously.

“Merlin, meanwhile, had woken up, heavily concussed and _alone_ ,” Arthur said bitingly, his eyes hardening for an instant before they glanced back at Gwaine beneath him and they softened again. He sighed and continued.

“He stayed in the cave to wait out the storm when he saw you imbeciles staggering about in circles not twenty feet away from the mouth, mumbling on idiotically, freezing to death.”  Arthur’s expression softened again.

“He dragged you inside and did his best to warm you and keep you alive. Then when the storm calmed he tied all of you to the two horses he’d been able to save, and, _still heavily concussed_ and despite _the frigid cold killing him_ led you all back to Lancelot’s patrol just leaving Camelot.” Gwaine’s eyes widened.

The cold had nearly taken them, even as bundled up as they were, how had Merlin- with only his neckercheif and his fragile coat managed to survive?

“How-?”

“Sheer determination, we think.” Arthur said, his tone quiet again. Awed.

“Lancelot says as soon as Merlin recognised him he collapsed. They dragged all of you back. Elyan and Percival weren’t too hard to warm up. Leon developed a small fever. But your heart stopped just as we brought you here,” he trailed off, pain lancing beneath the cracking steel in his eyes, “and Merlin… we lost him three times. We thought… and even after he stabilized, Gaius was sure we’d have to amputate- all those hours walking the snow…” Arthur’s voice cracked and he shook the memory away, shoving the pain out of his eyes and snapping them back to meet Gwaine’s.

“Anyway, we restarted both of you. You’ve been lazing about and Merlin’s been recovering ever since.” 

Any other time Gwaine would’ve protested that both of them being unconcious after almost dying qualifying Merlin as recovering and him lazying about- but his heart couldn’t.

All he could hear were Arthur’s words echoing in his mind.

_We lost him three times._

_We lost him three times._

_Three times._

_Lost-_

“Gwaine! Sir Gwaine- snap out of it! If you lose control again my wife will kill me!” Arthur hissed, pulling him back into time. He blinked stupidly at the King.

Arthur saw the self hatred in his lost eyes and his expression softened. His eyes warming the way they only did for Gwenevere and Merlin.

“Gwaine, he’s alright. He’s safe.”

“I left him-” Gwaine began raggedly but the King interrupted.

“And he’s going to be okay. He’s safe. And your safe. And trust me when I say you shall be punished to within a inch of death.” Arthur’s said seriously, but then his eyes warmed again and he sighed heavily. Leaning forward slowly -painfully- he put his hand on Gwaine’s shoulder. Gwaine looked up at it, and then at his King.

“Princess, I’m flattered, but-”

“Shut up.” Arthur snapped back without missing a beat.

“Gwaine. I’m not pleased you forgot Merlin. I’m livid.”

Gwaine’s head fell in shame. He’d left him. He’d left him and because he’d left him, Merlin had almost died. And even as he was dying Merlin had saved him- the man who’d abandoned him! Tears burned in Gwaine’s eyes. _Merlin…_

 _“Hey-”_ Arthur shook him, dragging him from the pit that was his mind. “I’m livid you left him- _but-_ ” Gwaine looked up, shocked. How on earth could there be a but? He’d left their brother to die!

“-I’m proud you went after him. You bravely _stupidly_ continued to try to save him at a risk to your own lives. I commend that you didn’t give up in correcting your wrongs- even to the point of no return. And I’m glad your alive.” Arthur smiled, his eyes burning with sincerity.

Gwaine smiled too. Broken. Healing.

Merlin was alive.

“That being said, when Gaius lets you free I’m going to dangle you naked, by your toes above a Wilderren den and let them eat you until-”

Everything was going to be okay.

 

***

 

The world outside the window was dark when Merlin wakes. The room echoes with the soft sighs and snores of the knights- the men he’d thought friends.

The men that had forgotten him.

A sob tore at his throat.

He twists to the shelf behind Gaius’s cot, fumbling in the darkness until his hands grip the old leather book -hidden in plain sight- and small ink pot. He stifles his cries in his fist as he scrambles beneath his pillow for the quill.

 _Shut up- shut up! They don’t deserve to hear your stupid sobs. They all almost died!_ They almost died going back for his worthless skin and now he was going to ruin their healing!

He unbinds the book, searching through it’s inked pages desperately. Tears filling in his eyes dashing down his cheeks. He bites hard on his knuckles, choking back the sounds as he shoulders quake.

He reaches the next empty page- only it’s not.

Golden letters he never wrote scream up at him.

 

_heshurt  bleedingdYINgheneeeeds ive gOt tooo helpaloNE dyingNEedshavetfind_

 

He’d never written them but it was his writing.

But how is it gold? Ink is black. Unless…

Magic?

But how-

Oh.

For a moment, the realization pulls him out of time, he forgets.

But then reality’s back, laughing in his face, twisting it’s cruel knife into his heart.

Fresh sobs wracking him, biting so hard on his fist he tasted blood, he frantically stabbed the quill into the ink and at attacked the space below the fragmented message.

 

 

 

 

_Freya,_

_I write in my sleep now. I’m sorry that such incoherent stupidity ruins your letter. You don’t deserve it._

_I was writing about Arthur- he was dying. He was dying and it was all my fault. I should have stopped Morgana- I should have saved him. But I was weak and she overpowered me. The knights had to fix my mistake- they had to do what I should have done and raced him home._

_He could have died!_

_The Once and Future King- the man destined to save all of our Kind!_

_To free us and bring peace and safety to Avalon- he almost died!_

_Hundreds, thousands, millions of our kind- dead._

_Hunger and hatred ruling the land!_

_Children up late at night afraid because they can hear their mother’s tears. Mothers and Sisters and Wives, widows and alone- clinging to their Son’s and Brother’s and Husband’s armour like it’ll bring them back._

_All because I was too weak to protect him._

_But it’s worse than that, Freya. It’s so much worse._

_Because the Knights realized they’d left me behind- they went after me!_

_Their goodness- their nobility- their belief that every life is worth saving sent them unprepared into the snow._

_They didn’t realize that I am worth nothing._

_I almost killed them all! I was too weak to protect them and I allowed them to twist themselves into thinking they’re supposed to protect me._

_I’m so stupid- I should have been stronger! They needed me to be stronger and I failed._

_It no wonder they left me._

_Who could blame them?_

_It was because of my carelessness they had to charge back to Camelot to save Arthur. I deserved to be left. I almost killed the king!_

~~_But_ ~~

~~_I’d just always thought they didn’t see me that way._ ~~

~~_I thought they saw me better_ ~~

~~_A better man- a good man. A man worth something. I know I’m not- I know I never should have thought- But I always thought maybe they thought I was worth saving_ ~~

_I failed. I failed and the King almost died. And the Knights almost lost their lives trying to give me redemption._

_But you can’t give the murderer of nations redemption, Freya._

_You can’t redeem an empty shell with the blood of children staining his fingers._

_It’s already started Freya- it’s not nations yet, but I will fail and then they’ll all bleed._

_So many already stain me. So many I should have saved..._

_Nimueh._

_Will._

_Balinor._

_Uther._

_You._

_Now I’m just a shell carrying the souls I stole on my shoulders._

_It would be kind to let you go. But I can’t. I’m sorry._

_I’m sorry my heart can’t just yours. I’m sorry that it’s burdened with them too._

_I’m sorry that it’s going to fill with more of them._

_More people I won’t be able to save._

_I can feel the time in the hourglass slipping past- there’s only a few grains left._

_When the sands end I’ll fail._

_Maybe I should kill myself now- save all the people I’m going to kill._

_I should._

_I want to._

_But you deserve to live on. You deserve the life I stole from you._

_And I can’t give it back. I’m so sorry._

_I’d give the breath in my chest for you to see just one more lake. To breath one more breath. To taste one last strawberry._

_But I can’t._

_I stole your lasts from you._

_All I can do is lock you selfishly in my heart and carry you with me._

_And try to save as many as I can- try to protect them._

_I know I’ll fail._

_I know that now._

_I’ll fail and Arthur will die._

_But I have to try-_

_For you, My Love._

_I’m so sorry._

_But I’ll carry you with me._

_Always._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Sparks, I'm tired! Midnight is the best time for writing. Anyway, I hope it's decent, It ended up being a wopping sixteen pages on google docs, and I wrote about half of it today in a weird spurt of determination and inspiration. If you guys think it doesn't blend right, or it seems to clunky, or just needs a   
>  complete re-write, just let me know and I'll see what I can about it. Gwaine was hard. I did a lot of in-deph character study, and then when I wrote him that all just seemed to fly out the window. He's a lot more... dramatic than Arthur and Lancelot were and I'm not too sold on this portreyal of him, but I think witht he stage I'm at in my life it was the best I could do so I'm taking it. Next chapter I'm ridiculously excited for, guys, (and terrified) and as a little sneak peak: It's going to be from our lovely Queen's perpespective! 
> 
> If any of you have any ideas what the next chapter will be about, I'd love to hear them (I'd finally realize how predictable I am:) ) Or if you have any constructive critism so I can improve or just to fan about the characters, I'd love to hear from you guys!
> 
> All rights go to BBC
> 
> All the inspiration, and my words come from God.
> 
> I love you all- goodnight!


	4. The Time He Couldn't Forget And They Couldn't Forgive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin had been degraded thirteen times, threatened nine, and shoved three.
> 
> She wasn’t letting him out of her sight.
> 
> "There’s nothing you could’ve done against magic.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Here's Gwen's perspective, and it's got a slightly different vibe from the others chaps, but I'm still really proud of it.  
> On a completely different track, I've been having a lot of fun seeing which famous people I write Like, if any of you are ineterested in seeing who you write like, type I Write Like into your search engine, it should be the first link. It's a safe, free site, and they don't save your works or anything, you just type/copy paste a little bit of your writing in and it analyzes the style and tells you which famous authors style is similar to yours! 
> 
> On that note, Gwaine's chap is written like Agatha Christie and Gwen's is JK Rowling  
> Feel free to share who you got in the comments, if you guys check it out. (By the way i have not been paid or hired to advertise for this company in any way, just a giddy author looking to share a fun toy.)
> 
> Also, before I forget:
> 
> WARNING: Disasociation episode, do not read if that is a trigger for you!! If any of you have suffered from this, my heart reaches out to you. It is real and it sucks and there are ways to help you. Stay safe.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy the chap!
> 
> PPS. GUYS, I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU!! I know what the next chapter's title and plot is, but I can't decide whose perspective I want it from. Merlin's off the table, (you'll all find out why later:) ) but is there any perspective you haven't seen that you'd like me to write? For this next chap, I'm thinking either Gaius or Leon will work the best, so which would you guys prefer? (I'm willing to re-think and twist my idea if you guys prefer any other characters. Mordred intrigues me...) 
> 
> YOU DECIDE!! Whoever gets the most votes by the Monday after Mother's Day will be the perspective I'll write from!

 

**The Time He Couldn't Forget And They Couldn't Forgive**

 

It’d a been a year since she’d traded aprons for silk. A year since she’d slept on straw instead of downy pillows. A year since her hair had been thrown up in hasty tails, instead of immaculately twisted underneath a crown. A year since her place had been at the Physician’s side instead of the King’s.  But if Arthur thought that would stop her from going to do whatever she could for the village, then her husband was in for a shock.

“- if Gaius would let me come with you, then I wouldn’t protest. But I can’t let the Queen of Camelot go frollicing about unprotected-” Arthur protested from beyond the white changing screen shielding Gwen as she pulled the fitted fur vest over her white tailored tunic. Gwen’s lips twisted up in a smile as she remembered  the day she’d realized Merlin was acostumed to barging into Arthur’s chambers whenever he felt like it. She’d never seen him flush such a Camelot red before and within ten minutes of the incident a changing screen had become a permenate resident in the King and Queen’s chambers.

“Guinevere, are you even listening to me?” Arthur asked sounding slightly miffed. His voice drew her from her thoughts and it took her a moment to realize what he’d said.

“Yes, Arthur. Of course I am.” She said loyally- laughing softly as he huffed in irritation.

“No your not…”

“Yes I am. And it’s hardly unprotected- your sending the entire Round Table with him.” She bent down and began to lace up her riding boots.

“Because he’s going to a village that is being attacked by something we don’t understand and have virtually no way to fight against-” Arthur exclaimed, his worry bleeding into his voice.

“Arthur, that village happens to be my childhood home.”

“I know that. That’s why we’re sending-”

Gwen, fully decent, stepped out from behind the screen to see her husband sitting at the edge of their bed, his bare chest tightly wrapped in the familiar white bandages, brows furrowed over worried eyes.

They widened slightly as he saw her- then they softened, and his mouth quirked into a smile.

“You look beautiful.” Her heart warmed and she shook her head slightly.

“Arthur, you’re delerious on  pain potions. I’m in the clothes I wore almost five years ago when we went after Merlin to Eeldore.”

“And you look just as breathtaking as you did then-” his voice sounded sincere, and he gazed up at her with such awe burning in her eyes that she felt her cheeks flush red enough to rival Merlin’s from all those years ago. His eyes made her feel like the most precious thing in the world.

“Arthur…” she walked over to him, cupping his face and titling it up to her. She bent down and pressed her forehead to his. He smiled, leaning into her, pressing sweet, longing lips to hers, and she gave hers to him, kissing his gently. After a timeless moment, she pulled back. He grunted in displeasure even as he gasped raggedly for breath, leaning in again persistently. She laughed and succommed. For a breath all that existed was them- not a King and Queen- but two lovers whose whole world was the other-

_Crash!_

A loud clatter, a resounding thud, and the distinct sound of shattering glass.

They jumped apart-how long had she been on his lap? She needed to keep focused or she’d never get it from him!- both swiviling to the still shut oak doors.

“Ow! Next time you charge the blinking thirty pound door- _turn the sparking handle!”_

“Merlin! Get out!” Arthur bellowed, grabbing her pillow behind him and chucking it at the door.

A moment of silence, then:

“Sorry, Gwen.” Arthur’s face morphed from irritation to rightous indignation.

“Sorry _Gwen?!_ ”

Gwen laughed. “It’s alright, Merlin- you can come in.”

The door opened and Merlin, with what looked to be stew in his hair and pudding splattered on his shirt, peered in, his cheeks flaming as he caught sight of their position.

“No he can’t- no you can’t- Merlin!-”  Arthur’s indignant face swung from the door to her and back to the door again.

“Hush, don’t mind him.” She scolded gently, the words for both of them. She cupped Arthur’s face and pulled him to her, kissing him coaxingly- and he responded eagerly.

Oh. He was warm and his lips tasted sweet- no! _Focus, Gwen!_

“Gross…” Merlin mumbled across the room. Arthur growled and attacked her lips more feircly, determined to make his servant as uncomfortable as possible.

“I don’t see why… your  even… cleared… hypothermia… is worse… than…” Arthur mumbled breathlessly to Merlin against her cheek.

“Being stabbed?” Merlin questioned innocently- Arthur growled again, his chest rumbling beneath her hands.

Sparks, she’d have to work harder with their best friend distracting him.

“Arthur?” Gwen gasped.

“Hmmn?” He mumbled against her. Perfectly distracted.

She leaned in closer, one hand fisting in his blond hair, the other reaching behind him and snatching the sheafed dagger he’d tried to hide from her. She kissed him feircly for an instant before pulling back, firmly backing away despite his groping arms.

His eyes tore open as she tied the sheaf to her belt.

“I’m going.”

 

***

 

“Mate, it’s not your fault. There’s nothing you could’ve done against magic.”  It was Sir Gwaine this time. In the few hours since they’d begun charging for Camelot they’d all tried. But every one of their attempts just seemed to send Merlin further and further into himself.

Gwen glanced behind from her spot of presteige leading the way, hope sparking faintly in her heart- perhaps Gwaine could shake the poor man out it.

But Merlin seemed to shrink even further inwards, looking down despite Sir Gwaine’s worried eyes and kind smile, mumbling agreement he clearly didn’t feel. Sir Gwaine’s eyes darkened with disapointment and Gwen couldn’t contain the sigh that escaped her as she turned around and  stared unseeingly at the passing green ahead, her mind flitting through thoughts and questions like a humming bird’s unseen wings.

_Surely he realizes this isn’t his fault? Not even Arthur could’ve done anything! Only Gaius’s knowledge- of course! This is his first assignment without Gaius.  Gaius sent him with his faith , assured him he’d do well and now he thinks he’s failed and he feels like he’s disapointing him! Gaius is the only Father he knows- of course he’s upset!_  Relief burned in her heart, she understood! And now she knew how to help-

“Merlin-” she started, twisting around, her sentence already firming up in her mind, when Elyan from beside her  called out over her:

“There’s something ahead-”  She whipped her head around, her eyes immediately landing on the greys and blues littered amongst the splintered remains of what might’ve once been a wagon. Bodies.

Sir Leon’s voice was hushed and low, but it carried to all of them.

“Halt and Dismount, Swords ready, Diamond Formation, the Queen and Merlin in the middle.”

Gwen felt her heart begin to thrum in her chest as she pulled to a stop and kicked free of the stirrup, sliding the the moss, her hand going to the dagger at her side. There was a rustle of red cloaks and the whisper of swords on steel, then Elyan was beside her, grabbing her arm and pulling her behind him. All she could see was ruby cloaks surrounding her as the knights crept forward as one.  Her breath escaped in little gasps as her eyes darted wildly- trying to see past the wall of scarlet. Trying to see the threat. She sensed someone looming behind her- someone had broken through! She gasped, gripped her dagger tightly, pushing it from herself as she spun, jabbing out at her attacker-

Merlin?

Her eyes registered black hair and startled blue eyes- but it was too late to stop her hand- _she was going to stab him!_ But then the knife tipped out of her grasp, toppling to the moss below with a soft thud. It echoed in her ears- decibles over whatever Leon said. She froze and simply looked at it- unable to look away- horror blossoming in her stomach.

She’d almost stabbed him!

“Gwen? Gwen, are you alright?!” hands seized her shoulders- shaking firmly. Her eyes lifted, needing to see he was okay, searching his face desperately, her panic making his eyes seem to glint, but then she blinked and only concern shone in the cerulian orbs.

“I almost stabbed you-” she whispered breathlessly. She could hear rustling and voices, but they were far away, trivial compared to the dagger glinting innocently in the grass.

“Oh Gwen-” then he pulled her into him, holding her protectivly. And she clung to him- wrapping her arms tightly around his neck, burrowing her face into his shoulder. She could feel the course fabric beneath her, smell the strange mixture of herbs and hay with the metallic tint and the _undefinable something_  that was Merlin, she could hear his heart thrumming next against hers. He was okay. She hadn’t stabbed him. He was okay.

“How on earth did I not stab you? I didn’t realize until- it was too late to stop it…” she muttered into him and he laughed, the sound soothing her racing heart like a cooling balm to a sunburn.

“Gwen, Arthur needs to teach you how to handle a dagger better- imagine if I’d been an actual enemy and your only protection just toppled to the ground. You’d be a Queen in a lot of trouble.” She laughed, and perhaps the serving girl she’d used to be would’ve been embarassed. But that serving girl had fancied Merlin, and the Queen was never embarassed by her brothers’ teasings.

“Your Majesty, we’ve found something-” Sir Leon’s voice finally cut through her shock and they pulled apart, twisting around to find the knights gathered some twenty paces away, looking down at something in the grass.

“Looks like I’ll have to learn how to hold a dagger properly later.” She smiled slightly, relief dawning in her heart when he smiled back. His eyes were alert and his shoulders squared, the accidental near stabbing seeming to have pulled him from his distress. Thank heavens something good came from it.

As if of one mind, they darted over to the knights, Gwen pulled to a stop beside her brother, her eyes landing on someone she hadn’t anticipated. A small woman in the rags of a dress with limp grimy hair, a malnorished tightness to her skin, ropes strangling her raw wrists, and large, terrified, brown eyes darting about nervously.

“Everyone else is dead. Slavers, we think. She was probably their prisoner.” Sir Leon said softly, senseing loudness might startle her.

Gwen’s heart swelled with compassion and she slowly eased down to kneel on the damp ground. The girl flinched back into Sir Percival, her head whipping around to Gwen, her eyes bulging.

“I’m not going to hurt you-” Gwen assured quickly, keeping her voice low and gentle.

“I’m not going to hurt you, I promise. My name’s Gwen- what’s yours, love?” The woman’s lips trembled and she trembled against Sir Percival. The gentle Giant frowned and tightened his arms around her.

“L-Lamia.”

Gwen smiled encouragingly, slowly reaching out her hands- Lamia’s eyes tracked them warilly.

“That’s a lovely name, don’t worry Lamia, your safe. I just want to help you- let me get these ropes off-” Her hands gingerly encased Lamia’s, and the girl startled but didn’t pull away.

Gwen smiled as she gently moved to work on the knots.

Merlin bent down beside her, reaching out his hand for the girl’s other hand.

“Hello, Lamia, these big blokes won’t hurt you, I swear, their knights of Camelot- you’re safe now-” he began but stopped when Lamia’s eyes bulged and she flinched back against Sir Percival- cowering into him.

“Whoa, whoa- it’s okay, Lamia, I’m not going to hurt you. I’m a healer-” Merlin soothed pulling back and holding his hands up in surrender. But it didn’t matter. Lamia’s eyes filled with tears and she twisted away from him, whimpering, shuddering into Sir Percival.

Sir Percival wrapped his arms around her tightly, cradling her to him, pressing her head against his chest.

“I need to see her wounds, she could be-” Merlin began again, his imploring gaze on the Giant. Lamia whimpered at his voice and Percival’s hand shot out, shoving Merlin away.

Gwen gasped and blinked and Merlin crashed to the ground beside her.

She spun to him.

“Merlin- are you alright?” Merlin, seemingly unharmed, lay sprawled on the grass, wide disbelieving eyes on Sir Percival.

Gwen snapped her head back to the giant.

“Sir Percival-” she began, anger bleeding into her voice, but the knight ignored her, pulling Lamia to him and rising from the ground. He glowered down at the scrawny servant beside her.

“You stay away from her, Merlin.” He growled. Then he stalked off. Merlin’s head twisted as he mutely watched him walk away. Stunned. The world seemed to be tipping beneath Gwen, no longer steady and sturdy. Her head buzzed with confusion.

_Why did Percival do that? He never uses his strength for ill- it’s against everything he believes! And Merlin is his little brother!_

Perhaps looking for answers, Gwen looked up at Sir Leon behind them. He was looking in Sir Percival’s direction too, but he didn’t seem shocked. Instead his brows furrowed with… determination?

“Where does she live?” Sir Gwaine’s voice asked. There was a moment of quiet before Elyan, who’d sometime drifted away from her side, called:

“In Riversford.”

Sir Leon spoke up now.

“Alright. That’s where we’ll take her then-” Gwen’s eyebrows rose, the confusion twisting in her stomach mounting.

“Sir Leon, we’re headed for Camelot so we can bring Gaius back to the village-” she began but Sir Leon’s head snapped down. His eyes cold.

“We’re taking Lamia home.” Then he turned and marched away, barking orders to the other knights.

First Percival and now Leon? What was going on? And she was the Queen! They were supposed to take their orders from her! What on earth was wrong with them?!

She looked over at Merlin to find him looking at her, his eyes blazing with her questions. Looking to her like she might have answers. She pursed her lips and shook her head, forcing her mouth to twist into a smile as she clambered to her feet.

“Don’t worry, Merlin. I’m sure it’s nothing.” Then she bent down and helped him to his feet.

 

***

 

‘I’m sure it’s nothing.’ had hours ago morphed into ‘Something’s really wrong.’ and then ‘Merlin, they don’t mean it, their not themselves-’ to ‘Merlin, what if it’s magic?’ before, blaringly obvious in hindsight, ‘Merlin, what if it’s her?’

The last one had been whispered as they bedded down as far away from the knights as they dared without drawing suspicion. Merlin’s blue eyes clouded with worry, only a breath away. Far closer than was strictly appropriate for any female and male friends to sleep, much less so when one was married, and frankly shameful when one was married to the King.

But Merlin had been shoved three times, degraded thirteen, and threatened nine.

She wasn’t letting him out of her sight.

“She has them under some sort of spell-”Merlin breathed back, the brightness of his eyes were gone- they looked dark and heavy. Weighted.

Her heart ached at the sight and a part of her wriggled to break free and blame the knights- how dare they?! He was their friend! He was the smartest, kindest, bravest soul she knew and they stole his light! They were supposed to protect him! She’d been at Arthur’s side when they’d all sworn to guard him! She’d woken for every harried report of  every dangerous Night Living activity. She’d watched them all spin into frenzies over Merlin’s colds that rivaled their reactions for Arthur’s mortal injuries. They loved him. Protected him.

And now they were the enemies.

And oh, she wanted to blame them- to darken their worth in her eyes the same way they darkened the light in his.

But she couldn’t.

Magic had done terrible things to her. It’d taken her father, killed Arthur’s, it had enslaved and tortured and killed. It had nearly stolen their marraige, nearly slayed the love between them and tarnished the reputaition of a good, noble man.

It wasn’t their fault it was twisting them too.

“Gwen, we have to go back- the village will die if we don’t.” Merlin whispered urgently, pulling her from her thoughts.

Gwen’s heart pulled at the words, images of the people she’d loved since she was a girl- all dead - flashed through her mind, and she felt a lump rise in her throat. But Elyan’s voice reverberated through her.

_‘I don’t care if your the Queen now- we’re taking Lamia home. You can join us or you can stay and wait for what destroyed the village to come to you.’_

“We can’t go alone, or whatever got the village might get us too. Besides, we can’t leave them all enchanted like this- whatever she’s planned for them isn’t good!”

Merlin’s eyes seemed to darken even further, the lines wrinkling his face looked far too accostomed to being there as his brows furrowed.

“I’m sorry, Gwen. If I had done my job like I was supposed too, none of them would’ve been here to get enchanted and they wouldn’t be hurting you-”

Pain lanced through her heart as she watched his eyes fill with tears and  heard his breath hitch desperately.

Her hand shot out, grabbing his and holding it feircly. He gasped, shocked and she shook his hand gently.

“Merlin, I’m not being hurt, I’m alright. And your going to be to- I swear.  You mustn’t blame yourself. There’s nothing you could’ve done against magic.”

Her heart sunk when all expression drained from his face.

***

 

Gwen woke to a cold draft blowing into her. She shivered and curled into her cloak. Soft red light filtered through her closed lids. She frowned for a moment. That was wrong. Why was that wrong? Then her waking brain realized. Light. Sun. The sun was up. Elyan should have woken them up already. Her eyes snapped open, staring uncomprehendingly at the empty space beside her. Only a soft imprint in the moss as  memory of- of?

_“Merlin?!”_ She gasped, tearing upright, eyes widening as horror pooled in her stomach. The campground was deserted. No knights. No Merlin. _No Lamia._

She darted to her feet, her hand instinctivly checking the sheaf in her belt, her dagger had stayed secured since she checked last night.

_Okay- okay-_ she stole a shaky breath, shoving the panic bubbling in her veins down.

Arthur’s voice filled her head, his professionalism blending into worry that she might one day depend on his drills.

_Asses the situation. What do you have, what do you know, what needs to be done?_

_Okay. Everyone is gone. The fire’s  dim but still burning, so they left recently. The horses are tied and the campsites’ set up. They weren’t planning on leaving. They haven’t gone far.  The swords are gone._

Bile rose at that last thought.

The knights were armed.

She shoved it away- she needed to think!

Merlin’s life depended on her.

_Alright- what do I have? I have my dagger_

Her hand pressed to her side again, needing the confirming weight. It soothed her panic somewhat.

_I have-_

A scream pierced through the forest and jolting through her, pulsing in her head, throbbing in her heart- then it broke.

The woods were silent.

“ _Merlin!_ ” she screamed as she raced after the scream because she knew- _she knew_ it was his.

Time seemed to hold still- the woods were silent. No birds, no rustling, only silent.

But it wasn’t still.

It was galloping ahead- and no matter how hard she ran it was faster.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Second fashed by, as blurry as the trees.

Was he already dead?

Her heart stuttered and her steps faltered but she shoved the thought away violently.

_Above everything, don’t panic. You’re smart and you’re fast and you know how to use your dagger. If  something goes wrong, stay calm and the chances that you and whoever you’re with will survive will be that much greater._

She heard voices ringing through the still, muffled at first, but clearer and louder the closer she ran.

“He’s hurt-!”

Gwen’s heart squeezed as her worst fears were confirmed and her feet moved impossibly faster.

“Of course he’s hurt you drunk simpleton- he’s unconcious!”

“It’s all his fault-”

“Are you challenging me, you arrogant fool?! I could kill you where you stand-”

“Say that to me one more time and you’ll have to talk without a tong you insolent-!”

“Every time one of you shouts, Lamia flinches! You’re scaring her!”

Time stopped as she saw them, her blood freezing in her veins.

The Knights were all surounding a tree, surrounding Lamia, their faces contorted in panic and sorrow, twisted in jelousy as they crowed apologies and vows.

All the knights but one.

Elyan lay crumpled on the moss, his face as pale as a parchment, as still as death.

Crumpled beside Merlin.

Merlin lay twisted awkwardly, his inert form trembling, crimson pooling beneath his head.

A cry tore from her lips as time started and she ran to them- collapsing between them.

“Oh heavens- oh heavens, oh heavens-”

Her voice broke as her world shattered. Her hands reached out, pawing at each chest desperately, blindly, searching for anything.

Anything.

_Guinevere- look at me. You’ll need to be calm-your lives will depend on you being calm.  Everything may be going wrong, people may be hurt, they may be dying- they may be dead, Gwen. And fear and pain and panic may be tearing through you- but you will have to shove all of that away. I know-_ **_I know_ ** _it’s not fair. But whoever’s left will need you to stay calm and soldier through.  Asses the situation._

_What do you have? What do you know? What needs to be done?_

What needs to be done?

She needed to be calm. She couldn’t save either of them if she was trying to save both of them. Gwen tore her hand from Merlin’s chest, biting back a sob as he whimpered. She turned to Elyan, her fingers groping desperately at his neck.

A  pulse.

Weak and thready, but there.

Her heart shuddered with relief as she spun away from him, immediately seizing again as her eyes landed on Merlin again. She jammed her shaking fingers at his wrist, a desperate chant charging through her body.

_PleasePleasePleasePlease- don’t be dead, oh heavens! Please Merlin, don’t be dead!_

A heartbeat twitched under her fingers.

He was alive!

They were alive!

She flung one hand back to Elyan, shaking them both feircly.

“Merlin, Elyan? Can you hear me? Oh dear God- please let them wake up! Wake up boys, can you hear me? I need yo to wake up!”

_What do you know?_

She snapped her head up, looking at the knights, continueing to shake the boys to no response.

“Sir Leon,  what happened?! How were they injured? What’s wrong with them?!”

The knights all turned to look at her, their expressions all darkening. But it was Lamia, cacooned protectivly between Lancelot and Leon who answered.

“We woke and Elyan was gone. We found him as he is now, with Merlin kneeling beside him- Merlin’d hurt him. It was Gwaine who took care of Merlin.” Her voice was lathered with admiration that made Gwen's stomach turn.

The Knights’ head swiviled to Gwaine, expressions turning murderous.

Not because he'd attacked Merlin- 

Because Lamia had complemented him. 

She felt sick.

Gwaine had attacked Merlin. 

Out of all the Knights, Gwaine thought himself Merlin's closest friend, his fiercest protector. 

He'd attacked Merlin.

Her head spun with the weight pressing on her heart. Her instincts wanted to lunge to her feet and tear him apart, shake him and scream until he realized the evil in what he'd done-

but her brothers were hurt.

She inhaled sharply, closing her eyes for a moment, forcing her boiling blood to cool. 

_It's not their fault. Their under her spell. They can't control it._

She couldn't fight them now, she'd be over powered anyway. Camelot's Knights were the best.

 Her brothers were hurt and she was the only one who would save them.

She opened her eyes again, fighting the instincts clawing at her and turning to Merlin with a new purpose. Both were breathing and the scarlet still pooling beneath him promised he was the most imminent priority.

"Merlin- Merlin can you hear me?"  her panic nudged her voice upward toward hysteria. She stole a breath and shoved it down, forcing her voice to be low and calm.

"Merlin, you're alright, you're going to be fine, I promise- I just really need you to wake up-" He shifted beneath her slightly and her heart lept to her throat.

"Merlin? Merlin, can you hear me? Merlin? Wake up, Merlin-" she ordered breathlessly, her heart hammering painfully against it's cage. 

He twitched and moaned and her heart soared, swelling with hope.

His eyelids fluttered, his face twisted with pain- but  _he was waking up!_

They fluttered open.

Gold gleamed up at her.

Her heart stopped.

Gold meant magic.

He blinked rapidly, frowning up at her,  _golden_ eyes clouded with confusion.

Gold. Magic.

Merlin had magic.

_'Merlin kneeling beside him- Merlin’d hurt him'_

Her stomach dropped sickeningly.

Images flashed through her mind, spinning dizzyingly atop each other- memories.

Magic had stolen so many lives. Uther. Morgana. _Her Father._ Her village, her knights- 

Merlin. It'd stolen Merlin too.

Her heart broke. Shattered into thousands of peices so small she'd never be able to fit them together again.

Because Merlin- the brave boy who'd stood up for a servant his very first day in Camelot, the selfless brother who sacrificed himself every time- drinking poisen and sneaking children free and leaping in front of swords, the honest man who lied every day about Taverns when he'd spent his time helping those weaker, sacrificing sleep and time and health, the respectful protector who'd blushed so brightly all those years ago- _her best friend!_

Gone. 

Magic had stolen him like it stole everything she loved.

Hands- around her shoulders.

Shaking.

A voice. Trembling. Meaningless. Years away. Muffled. Disconnected.

The hands around her shoulders shook.

Not shaking her, but the hands themselves.

Tremored.

She looked up slowly, peircing blue staring back at her- so normal, so right-

A startling reminder of the _wrong_ gold before.

His lips were moving too quickly for her to comprehend, still far away and muffled. His brows were furrowed over his eyes- there was something in the blue, something she couldn't define. But so powerful she couldn't dismiss it. She stole a shuddering breath, instinctivly shoving away the miles between them.

His voice filtered through her ears, high and breaking-

Hysterical.

_"-hear me? Gwen, please, are you okay? Oh sparks- did they hurt you? Gwen, please! ARE YOU OKAY?! I'm so sorry- I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry... this is all my fault, I tried but I was so stupid and I wasn't watching Gwaine, Gwen, I'm so sorry- this is all my fault... I never should have left you and now you're-"_ his voice broke.

He was crying.That realization sparked something inside her, faint recognition dawning, new memories begining to spin through her mind. So dizzying they simply blurred past, unrecognisable except for the resounding feeling of  _right_ ringing in her heart.

All except one.

_"Gwen's not the sorcerer- I am!"_

She remembered Arthur's scoff had defied his worried eyes as he told her what Merlin had tried to do for her all those years ago.

He'd had magic- and knowing that, he'd tried to sacrifice himself to the pire to save her from the flames.

He'd had magic, but he'd still been her friend.

He'd still been Merlin.

He was still Merlin.

Her heart mended- the shattered fragments binding together stronger than before, full in a way she hadn't realized had been empty.

Time started and she lunged forward, crashed into him. He let out a strangled cry of shock as they slammed back into the moss beneath him, her arms latched around his neck, burying her nose into his shoulder and inhaling deeply, feeling herself center as his  _Merlin_ scent washed over- she finally could define what that something was! The puzzle was peiced together and she understood the picture.  _Merlin._

"Gwen? Gwen, are you okay?!"

Still her Merlin.

Only now so much more made sense. The way he always managed to survive, the way tree limbs fell so convieniently on bandits heads, the deep sadness that burned in his eyes.

_It's because of his magic. He wants to share it, to tell us, to be safe, but he's scared. It makes him feel so alone. We think we know everything about him, but is everything more than we knew..._

Her heart swelled at the thought and she held him tighter.

She would keep his secret- to her grave if he wanted her to, she would show him they could be trusted with every part of him.

New understanding dawned once again-

That was why he'd been hovered over Elyan- because he was a  _healer_ \- him and his magic- all of him. He was trying to  _save_ him!

"-Gwen please, please answer me- please be okay, Gwen!"

He was terrified.

Some best friend she was.

"I'm okay- I'm okay! They didn't hurt me- oh Merlin, I'm so glad your safe- I was so worried, I thought I'd lost you, don't you ever do that to me again! Do you here me, Merlin?! Never! I couldn't bear it-" tears sprang to her eyes and her voice caught. 

He moved. He'd been locked with shock but now he wrapped his arms around her and her close.

"Gwen, don't worry about me, I'm fine, I promise." His voice sounded strange to her ears. Strangled.

Wrong. Something in them burned wrong in her heart.

She pulled back slightly to look at him.

"Merlin-?" she started but his eyes drifted away from hers, over her shoulder. They buldged, panic sparking in the blue.

"No!" Merlin shouted and then she was spinning, flipping around, falling.

She crashed into the ground. He was on her now. His posture protective, head jaunted up, his hand outstretched- shielding her.

Up above him loomed a hideous monster- it's fur matted and filthy, it's claws tearing into the earth, ripping it apart, it's face twisted in a terrible hungry expression, unspeakable greed glowed in it's green eyes.

Adrenaline pulsed through her and she struggled against him.

"No, Merlin- I order you-!" 

He was going to sacrifice himself!

His free arm pressed against her stomach hard, locking her in place stronger than Merlin was ever capable.

He was using magic! He was using magic to hold her in place so he could sacrifice himself! 

She wriggled and twisted, trying pointlessly to escape.

"Merlin, let me go- let me help! Merlin, _that's an order!_ " She screamed desperately, her heart shuddering, breaking. 

No. Everything they'd been through- she finally  _knew_ him! And he was going to die! And he'd locked her powerless to save him!

"You can't have her! Do you hear me? You can't have her!"

The beast snarled, opening it's mouth- then it's eyes widened, surprise dawning. It let out a monstorus _animalistic_ scream. It twisted and echoed and shook through the forest around them- then it stopped. Time held still for a moment, the only sign of it's passing the faint growls coming from the monster. Then they died and it toppled sideways. Dead.

Sunlight glinting on the silver band in his golden locks, face twisted in relieved grin, bandages sticking out from underneath his scarlet shirt, was Arthur. He grinned triumphantly, stabbing his scarlet stained sword into the grass beside him, before turning back to look down at them, his eyebrow rising mockingly.

"Actually, I can,  _Mer_ lin. She's my wife. And while I'm on the subject of her being mine, is this what you do when I'm gone?  _Lay on top of her?!_ Explain yourself. Now."  Arthur growled but there was no meanace in his eyes. Only relief and love.

The spell binding her released. She was free.

Good. She was going to kill him!

"Oh, you know me, sire, just lazying around. It's about time you- _augh!_ " Merlin shrieked with surprise as she twisted out from under him, straddling her legs around his stomach and shoving him to the ground none-to-gently. He wriggled beneath her but she put her hands to his shoulders and pinned him easily.

"Gwen-?" Merlin asked uneasily, confused. She could hear Arthur chuckling behind them.

"Don't you ever do that to me again- don't you dare use you're"  _Don't say magic!_ she thought an instant before she said it " _strength_ against me to keep me safe! I am perfectly capable of protecting myself  _thank you very much_ and you almost died- not five minutes after you almost died the first time! You do not do that again! I am trained by the King of Camelot himself and so help me I will pin you down and if you think I won't, think again. From now on you and I will fight together, side by side- where you protect me and I protect you or I will lock you in the dungeons every time and Arthur and the Knights leave and tell you stories about what happens to people-"

"Alright Love, I think he gets it." Arthur's voice cut over her rant, grabbing her by her shoulder and gently pulling her up, crushing her to him. 

"It's alright, Guinevere," he whispered to her ear. His arms were strong and his hand cradled her head so gently. She felt the adrenaline coursing through her ebb, her heartbeat slow, matching it's beats to his thumping beneath her ear. The last of her panic died as his soothing words centered her soul.

"He's alright, he's alive." 

"I know he is, he almost wasn't." She gasped into him. He hummed softly under his breath, caringly carressing her hair.

"I know. He's okay. Why are all my knights unconcious?" 

"All of them? Last I knew it was just Elyan, they should be fine. The beast you killed is Lamia, she's what poisened the village, we think-" 

Arthur stiffened, the soothing circles he'd been rubbing into her stopped.

"Guinevere, Gaius is at the village, none of them have woken up- their conditions are worsening,"

"Shh, their alright. You killed the beast, remember. Everyone should be fine and freed from her spell-"

" _What spell?_ "

Oh. Memories of the torture they'd endured after abandoning Merlin resurfaced. She winced.

He wasn't going to like this.

"Guinevere-"

"I'll tell you later-"

"Tell me now-"

"Not while they're powerless to protect themselves." She felt his face contort against her hair.

"I wouldn't hurt them!"

"You would, trust me Arthur, you will."

His body locked again and she pulled away from his chest, reaching up and cupping his face in her hands.

"Gwen, please..." Worry burned in his eyes. She sighed and smiled gently, tracing her fingers through his hair as she tried to sooth his fears.

"Hush. Everyone's alright. We're all okay. We're all safe. It wasn't their fault, and I'll tell you later, I promise. Just as soon as your behind locked doors with your sword far away, maybe we could leave it here? Or put it back in the stone-"

" _Guinevere!_ " He growled but his voice was lighter, the worry in his eyes calming, blanketed by trust as he looked at her. She smiled and he sighed, pulling her into him again.

"You said he'd already almost died, Gwen what-" he whispered. She shook her head against his chest, the movement almost imperceptable to any watching blue and gold eyes.

"I'll tell you later, he's alright-"

Arthur harrumphed.

"He was before the Queen tackled him, forgive me if I don't trust your judgement." She smiled as he called over her shoulder.

"Merlin, you alright down there?"

"Just peachy, sire." Merlin groaned and Arthur smiled against her, before pulling away and striding over to the servant.

"You know, it's almost good to see you, Merlin." Arthur said extending a hand. Merlin took it, brows furrowed,  and and Arthur hauled him up before enfolding him in a tight embrace. Merlin's eyes widened comically over Arthur's shoulder, pulling a smile on Gwen's lips. 

"I mean it, Merlin.  I will forever cherish the memory of you laying on my wife, hand outstretched to a feriocius monster-" Gwen's heart missed a beat and horror dawned in Merlin's eyes as he stiffened straight as a board.

_He can't know- surely...._ Gwen thought, her mind racing to review the last several minutes for any sign of Arthur discovering Merlin's secret.

"I mean, what were you planning to do?" Arthur gibed sarcastically as he pulled away, relief in his eyes blending with the smug twist of his lips, the look he always had he looked at Merlin.

" _Shake his hand?_ "

Relief flooded in Merlin's eyes and a shaky laugh escaped Gwen.

Holy Heavens her husband was obtuse.

Her mirth was immediately chased away as she saw the remenents of warriness behind the light in Merlin's eyes. Had that always been there?

_I promise you, Merlin. I will guard your secret with my life. I swear I'll protect you._

***

The clanging from the courtyard echoed through the entire castle, only overpowered by Arthur's bellows. Both sounds had been there ever since the Queen spoke to the King a day and night ago. Many villagers and servants had wild ideas about what on earth the Queen could have told him in the three minutes he'd listened to make him attack his knights so, but they all predicted he wouldn't stop for a long time. They were right.

But Merlin, laying on his bed, staring at the cealing as though he could see it through the dark, didn't care.

Gaius said he was sick when the King asked.

Said he had disacociated himself from the stress of the situation.

Said he was researching how to bring him back, but he was not to be disturbed until then. 

The clanging and bellowing had gotten louder then. But Merlin didn't care. 

The knights had apoligized. He'd worried over the cuts and bruises littering each of them, the pain and self hatred in their eyes. Hours ago. Or maybe days. Or years. Time didn't matter. It flew but it stopped. Eons passed before you blinked. And then they were gone. And everyone who'd been alive was dead. The second they were born the clock till their death started ticking.

Merlin didn't care.

He didn't care because they didn't care.

***

Merlin wakes up. He'd been staring at the cealing forever, never fallen asleep. But he wakes up. Cool blue light filled the room. The sun was just pulling free from the clouds in the east. There was clanging in the courtyard. Are the knights training? This early? Something about it feels familiar, but he can't remember what. He hears Arthur bellowing, the castle muffling the words, but the shouts could be no one else's. Merlin's surprise and confusion double. What was Arthur doing up so early? And dressed and armoured- Merlin hadn't helped him.

Panic sparks in his heart. 

Merlin can't remember. 

He can't remember- oh sparks  _anything_ could have happened!

Did Arthur find out? Is he kept here for kindness while he waits for the pire?

That would explain Arthur's anger on the field.

But surely Merlin's betreyal wouldn't enfuriate him so much. 

You had to matter to make your betreyal sting.

So it had to be something- 

Merlin bolts upright, his heart stopping in his chest, eyes widening.

No. No. No no no nononononono  _Please no!_ He twists behind him, foraging desperatly under his pillow.

" _Please... please...please no! Don't be dead- please, not another name- please don't be dead-"_ his breath hitched painfully as tears course down his cheeks. His shaking hands grab the old book and he yanks it out, tearing it open, searching desperatly for a new passage. His heart throbbing because he already knows. Dread pooled in his stomach as he sees a new page he couldn't remember penning. 

"No... no please..." he sobs as he looks, praying it would be anything but what he knew it was.

 

 

 

 

_Dear Freya,_

 

 

 

 

_I don't know what to write._

 

 

 

"Please no... please don't be dead.... not again..."

  _I should have expected this from the begining- I'm so stupid! I'm so stupid and I let myself have the stupid fantasy and it shouldn't even hurt so much because I already knew._  

 

 

"No no no...  please, please I can't  not again-"  Tears fill his eyes so fast he can't see, the world a kalidascope of pigmented colors . His heart shudders at how cruel fate is to prolong the terrible sentence that would make it real. Make her gone. 

He wipes the tears away  furiously  with trembling hands. He wants to cry and scream as his heart tears apart. Not again. Not again...

 

 

_I thought they just  forgot me because they didn't care enough to remember. Freya, I was so stupid. It hurt so much that they didn't care- I always thought they did- I'm so stupid. I didn't realize they hated me._

 Wait. What?

Suddenly  Merlin remembers. Everything crashes into his mind. His heart shatters even as it floods with relief.

 

 

She was alive! He hadn't failed again!

But the knights hated him. He'd thought they just hadn't cared- but...

  _I'm so stupid, it shouldn't hurt this much, Freya. I should have seen it- I knew it! I knew what a terrible person I am. I knew I'm nothing but a servant. I know I'm worthless. I know I break everything I touch. Kill everyone I love. I don't know why it hurts so much that they know too._

 

 

_I guess I always believed that if they could see something in me... If the kindest, bravest, truest people in the world could see something in me, if they could believe in me... Care about me- then maybe  there was something in me- some tiny part that deserved it. That could  be redeemed  . But it can't. _ _It can't, and what hurts so much is that I knew it can't! I knew and I was still stupid enough to believe. How could I be so stupid? You cannot see good where there is only black. I was so foolish to believe they could see any good in me- I knew! I knew my soul is painted in the blood of those I've slaughtered._

 

 

_That doesn't wash out, Freya._

_Blood stains and it stays._

_I've broken apart, my Love. And some stupid part of me thought they would try to mend the shattered fragments. That I deserved them too._

_But meddling with glass is tricky._

_You can force the thing together again, but it won't ever be the same._

_And all your hands will be is bloody._

_Why try to mend what's worth nothing? But Freya I'm not worth nothing anymore._

  _I was worth nothing before, when I hadn't done any good._

_And I hadn't done any bad._

_Now I'm worth so much. Thousands of wanted posters. Millions of coins dead or alive. Worlds of pain. Wood beneath my feet, fire taking my evil soul to the only world I deserve._  

_That's what I deserve, that and so, so much more._

_I don't deserve a quick death. The lives on my shoulders and the blood on my soul are all a constant testament. I deserve every second of anguish I've caused them. Every tear of every loved one who have to live with the undefinable pain I've given them. Every hope and dream and chance to do good and to love and dance and laugh and live that I stole._

_I don't deserve death._

_But is it so terrible that I crave it?_

_I want it, Freya. I want it so badly  I can  barely  breath. I want to die. I want to stop causing pain and heartbreak everywhere I go. I want to let go of the weight of every soul I've slayed._

  _It's terrible._

_I took your lives and now I want the easy way out of my sins._  

 

 

_You don't deserve that. None of you do._

_I wanted to do whatever else I could for you. What you deserve._  

 

 

_But maybe  I'm not strong enough. I'm weak, Freya. I'm weak and pathetic and stupid and so much worse than worthless. The weight of your souls is already enough proof of it. I fail at everything I try to do. Hurt everyone I try to help. Kill everyone I try to save._

_Maybe I should  just  go. _

_I want to go._

_And that's why I'm going to stay._

_I don't deserve anything I want._

_Not when I've stolen all your wants._

_I'll keep going. I'll keep carrying you with me - all of  you- I won't forget any of you, I promise. And I'll keep trying to save him._

_I know it won't atone for my sins, blood stains and stays._

_But I have to try._

_I love you._

_I try every day not too. I promise I do, you don't deserve my red fingers staining your pure soul-_  

_But I can't._

_I'm so sorry you love me._

_Always._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I don't know if it was clear because it's midnight and I'm so loopy I'm almost scared of my writing right now, when Merlin was disasociating, it was after he'd written the entry. He'd been so anxious and guilt ridden that he accidentally disasociated, and woke up when we found him, and then read the entry he'd previously written.
> 
> Full disclosure on two things that I think are a big part of why this chaps a little weird:  
> 1) I haven't written from a girl's perspective since I was ten, and the results were not pretty. I had fun, but as far as accuracy....  
> 2) I have never actually written a kissing scene. Not once. I've never even been kissed. So I have literally no idea how that turned out, and I'm sorry if it dragged the chapter down! I was tempted to write it out, but it was the first I'd ever written, and as terrible as it might be, I'm still proud that I did it so I decided to leave it in.
> 
> As always, let me know if you noticed something clunky/wrong/in dire need of correction, I love becoming a better writer. And thank you all so much for your loving comments and kudos and patience!! I only posted this a few months ago and you've all given this simple story 56 comments, 172 kudos, 30 bookmarks and 2419 hits. I'm blown away and so humbled by your responses and I love you all so much!  
> Have a beautiful day!


	5. The Time Merlin Died As He Breathed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Arthur didn’t bash his skull in and leave him to die!”
> 
> Merlin’s blue orbs filled with tears as they dragged him away from anyone who could save him.
> 
> I’ve failed my brother- I didn’t recognize his pleas for help!
> 
> They sobbed as his body grew cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I hate having to spoil so much, but your safety is more important, so this chap’s warnings are character death. If that is something that triggers you, please don’t read.  
> You matter.  
> I love you all so much and thank you from the bottom of my heart for your continued love and support. And I’m so sorry it took so long to write.  
> I wanna give a special thanks to raven_of_hydecastle for asking for a conversation with Merlin that goes wrong, it ended up being a major keystone in this chap so thank you so much!  
> Edit: I also want to thank my brother for helping me with some of the logistics for this plot. I love him and he begged to be on the author’s note. Maybe you guys could just blame him for this chap?

_I failed, My Love._

_I'll finally get what I deserve._

 

Sir Leon had been five summers old when the screams of the purged shook the village. He hadn’t understood why Mama cried. Or why Father came home smelling like ash. He’d asked Father why. Why they screamed. Why Gwen and Elyan cried. Where their mother had gone. Where they’d all gone. And his father hadn’t answered. He’d only knelt down beside him. Crushed him to his chest and whispered: 

”Stay near the Crown, Little Lion, do you understand? I need you to pay attention to your training and stay close, and when you see something- I need you to look away. It’ll be the only way you’ll be safe. Can you do that for me, Little Lion? _Can you look away?_ ” Leon hadn’t understood. But he’d heard the fear in his father’s voice. Felt the shuddering of the arms that clung to him like they couldn’t let go.  He’d nodded.

 

That night they took him too.

 

Charged with aiding sorcery. Sentenced to death.

 

And Leon understood his Father’s fear.

 

He broke his promise. Making a silent vow in his heart, only for him to hear.

 

He would devote himself to his training and he would stay close to the crown. He would watch.

 

And he wouldn’t look away.

 

He vowed that when he died, it would be defending the innocent.

 

Like his father had.

 

Well, He watched if he could convince Gwaine to leave, anyway.

 

He looked at the sober drunk as he marched past, taking up position on the unoccupied side of the Infirmary’s door.  Gwaine glared pointedly at the wall opposite him, back straight, the hand resting on his hilt was still. But Leon knew if he made one wrong move he’d be fighting for his life.

 

Leon stifled a sigh and turned his eyes to the wall as well.

 

It was a wonderful wall. Oh look- there was a crack in that cobblestone.

 

He could see why Gwaine was so transfixed.

 

“Lovely morning” He tried lightly, staring fixedly ahead.

 

“Over my dead body.” Gwaine snarled.

 

Okay. Two could play this game.

 

Leon casually folded his hands behind his back.

 

“So. How long have  you been sober?” 

 

He knew exactly how long.

 

It’d been five days and twelve hours since Arthur had killed Lamia and rescued Merlin.

 

From them.

 

 He glanced over to catch the knight’s reaction. Gwaine’s eyes lanced with pain before they clouded over with anger.

 

He growled warningly.

 

Leon averted his eyes before the younger man could notice.

 

The crack on the wall didn’t seem to have anything to add.

 

“It doesn’t suit you.”

 

Gwaine’s eyes hardened, but he didn’t say a word.

 

“You look terrible, actually. But I can’t tell if that’s the withdrawl or the reason behind it.”

 

Gwaine inhaled sharply, his breath shuddering. Leon looked away from the wall, turning to his friend. Gwaine’s jaw clenched and his hand fisted around his pummel, refusing to even glance at him, glaring murderously at the poor crack.

 

“Gwaine. It wasn’t your fault.” He said, firmly, trying to drive away the uncertainty of his statement twisting in his stomach.

 

 _You’re nothing but a stupid servant- now you do what your betters say or next time I won’t hold back._ His mind recalled the terrible words and his heart flipped.

 

_No. You can’t think that way. It was magic. It wasn’t your fault._

 

Once again, the stubborn man didn’t respond.

 

Leon inwardly sighed before continuing.

 

“It really wasn’t. Arthur was the only one not spelled and even he couldn’t do anything against the magic!” The words tasted treasonous on his tong, but he shoved the guilt away. Arthur would never let a man ruin himself with guilt when he was innocent. Then Leon’s mind flashed back to the past several days excruciating training and he amended the thought. He wouldn’t once his wife talked to him.

 

But Gwaine’s face darkened and he snapped, lunging forward. Before Leon could blink, a steel edge pressed against his throat. His eyes bulged in shock, blinking stupidly at the grey pools of pain and hate only inches away.

 

“ _Arthur didn’t bash his skull in and leave him to die!_ ”

 

Leon’s heart flipped as Gwaine’s voice broke.

 

“Gwaine- it wasn’t you. It was Magic-” he tried to steal some sort of comfort in the words but Gwaine erupted- couldn’t be contained.

 

“He’s hasn’t left that door since-”

 

A faint thudding.

 

They both froze, locked into place, the edge of the blade still pressed to his throat- silent. Listening.

 

It grew louder- _Footsteps_ , Leon realized. Coming from both ends of the hall.

 

Running.

 

Siege, Leon realized. Time re-started. Both knights reacted as one. The sword darting away from his throat as his hand flew to his own. He pulled it out with a piercing zing as he spun face the corridor. He took a half step backwards until he pressed against Gwaine’s back.

 

The life of a soldier. What did a fight between friends matter when tomorrow one of them might be dead?

 

“Siege. How many?” Gwaine grunted, the anger and pain in his voice gone.

 

 _Huh_ , Leon thought despite the situation, _All he needed was adrenalin._

 

Leon paused, holding his breath and straining to hear.

 

“Too many to count.”

 

“Same here. The warning bell?”

 

Leon cursed, the image of the guards sprawled on the watchtower floor in pools of blood rose unbidden to his mind. They’d been so young. Only in the force for a year. Boys. His heart squeezed but he grimly shoved the thought away.

 

 _Focus on who you can save._ Renlund’s instructions from all those years ago filled his mind. Giving him purpose. _Do what you have to do. Then you mourn the dead._

 

“They must have disabled it.”

 

Gwaine growled.

 

The footsteps were closer now, almost upon them.

 

Leon forced his grip to relax. Clenching the weapon would only limit his fluidity of movement.

 

“Offence or Defence?” Gwaine asked, his question a strange combination of vulnerability and frustration.

 

Leon frowned, distracted by the conflicting emotions.

 

Why was Gwaine-? _Oh_. 

 

Gwaine was forcing himself to back down and let Leon lead. 

 

He was upset because he was forcing himself to follow the command. Vulnerable because Leon’s command might contradict the instincts raging in his blood.

 

Offence or Defence. 

 

Surprising the enemy, or protecting Merlin.

 

“Defence.” Leon said firmly and he felt Gwaine’s sigh of relief.

 

The footsteps were there, shadows dancing on the opposite corridor.

 

Leon stole a breath, his blood racing through him, pulse thudding in his ears.

 

“Yours in life-” Leon whispered. Just in case this was it.

 

He couldn’t die without his friend knowing he would give his life in a heartbeat to save theirs.

 

“Yours in death.” Gwaine breathed back the old soldier parting.

 

They rounded the corner and Leon’s sword raised above his head, a war cry erupting from his lips. Then he was soaring through the air- crashing into stone. The splitting pain stabbing through his head. Red dripped into his eyes and black clouded his vision as the world spun. The last thing he knew was terrible screams- and then the world went dark.

 

***

 

“Sire please- You can’t face her alone, let me help!” Leon begged as he staggered after the king, the world wobbled beneath his feet. Leon strained against the black that surrounded him. His head pulsed and throbbed and he sensed the world teetering beneath his feet, but he had to go- he had too! 

 

I promised. You don’t understand, Sire. I promised Father I would do what’s right- and Merlin! Sire, I vowed I would protect him-“ Strong hands latched on his arms as he crumpled, gently lowering him to the ground. Leon looked up, blinking rapidly, still unable to see through the cloud of black. Why was it so dark? Was it night already? And had the ground always spun so violently? He tried to remember if it had, but that only seemed to intensify the world shattering pounding in his head. But that was probably the concussion.

 

“I’m sorry, Leon. Not this time.”

 

 _“Please… my fault… don’t go alone…”_ Leon begged. His heart ached for the world to brighten so he could see Arthur- if only he could see him, he could make him understand!

 

“He won’t be.” Growled a familiar voice behind him.

 

 Leon twisted his head around, black overwhelming his vision at the action. Or maybe the sky had just gone dark. Only Arthur’s tightening hands on his shoulders tethered him to consciousness.

 

“Gwaine-” Arthur began.

 

“Don’t even try it, Princess-”

 

“You were slammed into a stone wall-!”

 

“Yeah. I’ll go fetch the horses.”

 

“Thanks. Now I’m convicted to his incessant chatter.” Arthur said, his voice resigned, to anyone else it would have sounded casual. But Leon has trained with the man- he knew him better then most. He heard the relief. The worry. 

 

“Please…” 

 

But he knew the King wouldn’t let him. 

 

It was his fault Merlin was captured and Arthur refused to let him save him.

 

“I’m sorry, Old Friend. We’ll bring him back.”

 

Then the steadying hands left. The King walked away.

 

Some point after they rode out he collapsed to the grass. The world rocked and spun beneath him but Leon fought unconsciousness. Eyes wide open as though he could stare through the black.

 

Waiting for them to bring Merlin home.

 

Watching.

 

***

 

Leon woke. He hadn’t been aware he’d fallen asleep, but he had the strange sensation of time lost.

 

 _Asses the situation._ Old knight Redlun’s drills surfaced in his somewhat foggy mind.

 

The throbbing in his skull had eased to a dull pulsing. His body wasn’t so achy and bruised, probably a gift from the straw mattress beneath him. His head felt clear and sharp, the strange realization making him wonder why that had occurred to him. Had it been clouded or incoherent?

 

But his eyes felt weird. Wrong. Strained? He tried to open them and panic seized his heart when he realized he couldn’t. He couldn't open his eyes.

 

"HE'S AWAKE!" a familiar voice bellowed, sending of shock through Leon as he lurched upright, his hand snapping to his sheaf- but it wasn't there. Only soft cotton.

 

There was a loud thump followed by a yelp of surprise.

 

"Hey-" The first voice started indignantly- Gwaine? The thudding of Leon's heart eased as Arthur's exasperated voice drowned out the knight's.

 

"Their hurt- You can't yell!" Arthur was half yelling himself and the blood pulsing through Leon ebbed. Clearly there was no threat except each other.

 

He tried again to open his eyes, but found he once again couldn't.

 

"Where am I?" He asked, his voice a croak, his throat hurting as if it had gone a while without speaking.

 

"Wonderful bedside manner, boys." Another voice lectured. The two fell silent. Leon heard the rustling of skirts and felt the wind rush slightly to his left. He turned  in that direction as someone sat on his bed and the rustling stopped.

 

He flinched as warm fingers gently took his hand, and they tightened assuringly.

 

"Sorry, Sir Leon, it's only me. You're alright."

 

Lady Guinevere.

 

He nodded.

 

Then he craned his head to the right in what he hoped was the general direction of his King.

 

"Sire, I've deduced some things about my condition: I don't remember falling asleep. The pain is bearable now.  I am no longer dizzy, but I cannot seem to be able to open my eyes. If we don't have anything pressing keeping us here, I recommend we head back for Camelot as soon as is convenient. I fear I'm only a liability to you as I am, Sire."

 

There was silence for a moment and then another thumping noise.

 

"Ow!" Arthur cried this time, before anger inflected his voice "I'll throw you in the stocks for that-!"

 

"No- Sir Leon, you're home, you're in the infirmary-" The Queen soothed beside him while Gwaine bellowed from somewhere across the room.

 

"The sun burned his sense out- I told you you shouldn't have left him!"

 

Oh. The Infirmary. That made sense. That was where he'd been before he went out after Arthur and ended up on the field to wait-

 

 _"Merlin!"_ He shouted, and if he'd been able his eyes would have tore open in disbelief. Despite being unable too, he felt his pulse quicken in his blood.

 

He'd been out to watch for Merlin- Merlin! The man he'd abused and then failed to protect- the man he'd let be kidnapped!

 

" _I_ left him? If you'll recall, Sir Gwaine, you were riding right beside me!"

 

Merlin had been kidnapped.

 

"I'd just been slammed into a wall-!"

 

Time had passed. Arthur and Gwaine were back- what if-?!

 

It was all his fault! It was his responsibility to comfort Gwaine and to guard Merlin and he'd been so consumed with the first that he'd abandoned the second. 

 

He'd failed. 

 

He'd failed and now Merlin was captured. 

 

Tortured. 

 

 _Dead_.

 

All his fault. 

 

Grief washed over him. Cold. 

 

Merlin was the sun in this bleak world and now he was gone.

 

All because he'd failed.

 

Numb. Ice. 

 

His father's face as they took him away, as he begged Leon to be brave, as he died for the innocent-

 

He'd failed.

 

"He's alright! I promise, Merlin's safe. He's right here, he's home. Gaius is tending to him, he's going to be just fine."

 

The Queen's voice carried over their bellowing- soothing his seizing heart the way cool water soothed a parched throat. 

 

Melting the ice.

 

Merlin was safe. Merlin was home.

 

Relief coursed through him, followed immediately by the tinge of embarrassment.

 

Of course Merlin was safe and home.

 

Arthur and Gwaine wouldn't squabbling like children if he wasn't.

 

"-And I told you to stay behind!"

 

"And I-"

 

" _What in the blue blithering moon is going on in here?!_ " Gaius’s voice thundered through the room, silencing all other sounds instantly. Leon felt a slight shifting in the still of the room, presumably their heads all snapping to the door. Gaius continued, his soft voice crashing with more force than a hundred armies’ battle cries.

 

“I have a boy in the other room exhausted and bleeding after _running for his life for three days_ from criminals who did _heaven knows what to him._ A knight in here temporarily blind from head trauma- who was abandoned - _heavily concussed!_ -in a field for nineteen hours! And a poor maid in labor on the table because the beds are occupied, scared and in more pain than any of you knights could possibly imagine. _And you’re in here bellowing like wild pirates!_ "

 

Shame blossomed in Leon's stomach, despite him not having actually contributed to the pirate-like-bellowing. But it soon rushed away as he registered Gaius's words. Temporarily blind. Leon knew he should feel grateful it was temporary. Or terrified it'd happened at all. But all he could feel was relief. _Merlin was safe._

 

The relief was so strong- bright and impossibly warm, pulsing through his veins, swelling in his heart, floating through his mind- 

 

Hands gently pushed him back and a pillow cushioned him like a cloud. He drifted away.

 

***

 

There was only so long one could mercifully drift in unconsciousness. At some point, the body stopped being merciful and left you, still mostly blind and incapacitated, wide awake.

 

Bored.

 

It’d been two days now. Well, two long sleeps, anyway. His world had gone from black to a somewhat lighter gray. If he held his hand right in front of his eyes, he could swear he could see a faint outline of it.

 

And that was how Sir Leon Ennon Eldridge the Third. The First Knight of Camelot. Head of the Round Table. Third in Command of the entire Kingdom, ended up sprawled on the cot, squinting at the hand against his nose.

 

“I think I can see it this time.” Leon commented, needing to say something. His hand trembled above him-his blood physically itching in his veins to hold a sword again. To go on patrol. _To run the laps._ To do anything... 

 

Leon waited for a response, but Merlin didn’t say a word. The undefinable scratching sound continuing to rustle through the room without even a pause.

 

Leon frowned in the direction of the roof, dropping his hand beside him as worry twisted in his heart.

 

Merlin hadn’t said a word in two days.

 

Leon had trained against imagining the worst. At thinking logically. Shoving away emotion and doubt. Focusing on what he needed to do and not letting anything distract him from the mission.

 

But there was no mission. Nothing to distract himself for. Just that mindless scratching and a dark canvass that saw all the horrors he couldn’t shove away.

 

Merlin, surrounded, being beaten from all sides, their words stabbing deeper than the knives. Words that Leon remembered all too clearly. His stomach filled with lead and the images raced past even faster, each a stab to his heart.

 

_Merlin sprawled on the ground, red staining the grass._

_Merlin’s blue orbs filled with tears as they dragged him away from anyone who could save him._

_No Merlin. Only screams echoing in the still trees_

 

“No!” Leon erupted, bolting upright and slamming the hand he hadn’t realized he’d fisted into the pillow beside him- shoving the thoughts away. 

 

Merlin squeaked and the bed creeked as he started in surprise.

 

Leon cursed bitterly behind his locked lips.

 

How could he be so stupid? Merlin hadn’t said a word since he was abducted and helplessly imprisoned- only he knew whatever horrors they’d done to him-! And Leon, who’d already betrayed his trust and hurt him, was scaring him. The need for a distraction bled away as he turned to the bed, replaced with an all-consuming need to fix. Fix his outburst, fix Merlin’s quiet- his mind flashed back to eight days ago- _fix the damage of my sins._ He thought as he opened his mouth, forcing his words to be soft despite his mind screaming at him.

 

“Sorry- I’m sorry. I wasn’t talking to you. Just thinking to myself.”

 

He waited. Time seemed to hold its breath as he waited for something. Anything

 

The scratching sound started again.

 

 Leon’s heart shriveled with disappointment. Merlin was closed. They’d hurt him and he couldn’t trust them. He hid his pain in silence. Oblivious to how it echoed through their hearts.

 

“So. What’re you doing?” Leon feigned casualty, his heart thudding wildly as he waited. He growled inwardly and tried to shove his desperation away. _Focus- do not be distracted!_

 

Then Merlin spoke!

 

“Writing.”

 

 A single, beautiful word.

 

 Leon’s heart swelled with relief. He was talking! Such a simple action. Not even anything grand. One word. But it somehow felt like a start. Proof he was okay. Proof he would heal-

 

Leon’s euphoria faded as he realized something was wrong.

 

Merlin’s voice had been wrong. 

 

A rock settled in his stomach. His mind flitted back to the word, trying to recall what about it was wrong- but the memory was tainted with his relief and he couldn’t remember. 

 

“Writing what?” Leon asked.

 

Time held still in the thickest silence of Leon’s life.

 

Then, after a lifetime:

 

“Ways to kill Arthur.” 

 

The world stopped.

 

 Then dozens of thoughts crashed through Leon’s mind. 

 

Merlin wants to kill Arthur. His best friend. 

 

Arthur’s closest confidant wants to kill him. 

 

_No, wait. He doesn’t. Of course he doesn’t._

_His voice is rough. That’s what’s wrong. Misuse? No. That’s not it. He’s talking about killing Arthur._

_He’s in pain._

_But why- OH. We’ve already turned on him._

_He thought Arthur was the only one he could trust left._

_And Arthur couldn’t protect him._

_He’s acting angry because he’s hurt and it was our job to save him._

_And no one came._

_He had to save himself._

_Again._

 

Leon’s heart broke at the final realization. He ached to be able see Merlin. To see the pain he knew was burning in his brother’s eyes. But all he could see was grey. He was disadvantaged, a man going to war with only one foot. Maybe it was irrational- but if he could see Merlin- he knew he could help.

 

He growled internally at the useless thought, shoving himself off his cot. The scratching -writing- stopped, Merlin presumably stopping to look at him. Leon ignored him, refusing to be deterred. If he couldn’t see then he would have to rely on his other senses to help Merlin. He took shuffling steps, bent awkwardly, hand outstretched to feel the bed before he walked into it. His bare foot crashed into the bedpost and he cursed. Some help his hand had been. _You probably held it up above the bed, idiot._ Leon shoved the thought away, pressing both hands on the bed and hitching a leg up onto it. The bed squeaked and the weight dispersed as Merlin scampered away from his leg. Leon moved all his weight onto the leg, shifting the other up beside it before manuvering until he sat triumphantly with his legs dangling.

 

_Step One: Get closer, complete._

 

 _Step Two: Fix Merlin…_ Leon sighed internally as he shifted to face the younger man. He liked his plans to be simple. But he didn’t even know where to begin with this one. 

 

“You had any good ones?” Leon asked awkwardly. He couldn’t see, but he could feel Merlin’s eyes searing into him. He mentally berated himself. _Great job! Your asking if your little brother has any good ideas on how to kill his best friend- the King you’re sworn to protect! Fine work, Leon!_

 

Merlin stiffened at the words, the air shifting at the movement.

 

The room throbbed with the weight of the question.

 

Then Merlin sighed. Sagged.

 

“No. I’m sort of blanking on ideas.”

 

_That’s because you don’t really want him dead. Your not actually thinking about it. Leon thought, a knot of anxiety inside him loosening._

 

Then Merlin perked up again.

 

“Sir Leon- you’ve been trained to kill since birth! How would you kill a King?”

 

And the knot tightened again.

 

_Oh heavens. He can’t even talk about the pain._

 

How could he help? What could he possibly say to help Merlin stop shoving his hurting  down? What could he say when Merlin couldn’t even talk about it?

 

The answer dawned and he sighed mentally. 

 

Talk about what Merlin can talk about. 

 

Talk about killing the King.

 

His stomach twisted at the bitter irony.

 

But he had too. 

 

For Merlin.

 

“Well, I’d-uh…” Leon stammered awkwardly. He fought to turn the way he’d thought since youth of ‘protect the the king’ into ‘exploit the kings weakness’. What are his weakness? If I were to kill him, what would be the best way?

 

“Yes? You’d what, Leon?” Merlin asked, his voice thick with an emotion Leon couldn’t define. It sounded like eagerness. Eagerness to kill Arthur. 

 

But of course it wasn’t. Merlin didn’t actually want to kill Arthur.

 

 _It’s desperation_ , he realized. _Desperation for someone to help him._

 

Leon’s heart ached.

 

 _God forgive me._  

 

“His biggest flaw” _I’m sorry, Arthur._ “Is that he cares.”

 

“Yes? So how can I exploit it?”

 

_Maybe I can use this ruse to help him._

 

“Well… He cares about people. He cares about you, Merlin.”

 

Leon paused, heart thrumming-hoping desperately these words might help Merlin pull free of this charade. Might help him heal.

 

“So I can use this against him?! How?”

 

_He doesn’t believe Arthur cares about him! He wants me to prove it._

 

“Well… he wouldn’t depend on anyone he doesn’t trust. He needs you for everything. Council and support and wisdom-“ 

 

“And food! Poison!” The scratching sound filled the room as Leon’s heart plummeted.

 

Merlin still didn’t understand.

 

“Ah… yes. That’s one thing. But Merlin, he-“ 

 

“-Uses me for everything! I mend his armour, I fetch his food, I prepare his weapons, I prepare the horses-“

 

And suddenly Leon understood. 

 

Merlin wasn’t hurting because he’d had to save himself.

 

He was hurting because he thought Arthur didn’t care enough to save him.

 

He thought his closest friend in the world didn’t love him-didn’t care what happened to him.

 

Memories flashed through Leon’s mind, each a stab to his heart.

 

The panic in Arthur’s eyes as Merlin hands clawed at his throat, as Merlin collapsed. 

 

The desperation in his voice as he tore through healing books. 

 

His protective stance on his every night life shift. 

 

The way his whole posture softened when he saw Merlin laughing.

 

The wild hatred when he realized what they’d done to him. 

 

The world crushing fear in his eyes after every battle when they couldn’t see him.

 

The gentleness in his hands as he guided him back to bed. 

 

The tremor in his voice as ordered Merlin survive. 

 

The way,

 

 the smile, 

 

the pain, 

 

thethethe

 

 _Merlin_.

 

Memory after memory pulsed through his blood, only one thought throbbing in his skull.

 

Merlin. Doesn’t. Know.

 

_Merlin doesn’t know._

 

The scratching continued to echo mindlessly. 

 

Leon’s heart bled.

 

Merlin, the kindest, bravest, purest soul he knew, didn’t know he was everything to Arthur. He didn’t know he was Arthur’s council. His wisdom. His strength. His brother. 

 

He thought he was just a servant.

 

“Merlin, Merlin, listen to me- you don’t understand!” 

 

He had to tell him! He had to make him understand!

 

“No, I-“

 

“No-you don’t! Merlin, _you aren’t just a Servant_ \- he cares about you, Merlin. He trusts you more than anyone else in the world. You mean everything to him- _he loves you!_ ”

 

Silence. The writing stopped. Time held still.

 

Leon held his breath, his heart thrumming against its cage. Desperation flooding his veins. He had to know- he had to understand. _Oh Merlin, please understand!_

 

“So…” Merlin began, slowly, hesitantly. 

 

For the first time since he’d started speaking, sounding unsure. Hope pulsed through Leon. 

 

He was finally understanding!

 

“I’m his greatest weakness?”

 

Leon’s heart stopped, skipped a long-terrible beat.

 

He still didn’t understand. 

 

Before he could comprehend what this meant, Merlin ripped him from his thoughts, launching himself off the bed.

 

“Merlin- where are you going?”

 

The answer came immediately-stealing his breath like he’d been clubbed in the stomach.

 

“To kill the King.”

 

***

 

Leon’s first training lesson had been only a fortnight after his father’s death. The training field Old Knight Renlend had gathered them to still smelled of smoke. Leon had come determined to throw himself into his lessons and learn everything he could so no innocent would ever feel the flames again. But Renlend hadn’t started on drills like he’d expected. He’d thrown their wooden staffs into a pile and told them to sit down. Then he said something that Leon would remember for the rest of his life.

 

 _“Boys,”_ he’d said _“one day, something is going to go really wrong. Unimaginably, indescribably, terribly wrong. It won’t matter how hard I train you or how fierce warriors you become- something will go wrong. And when that happens, the people will look to you- it won’t be fair, but they will look to you for what to do next. And you won’t know. Your whole world will have just been shaken-don’t scoff, Your Highness! You will be scared. You will be hurting. And you will have people still alive who need you to know what to do. When that moment comes, boys, I want you to take a breath and count to ten-then count again if you have too, because when you open your eyes you’ll have to get to work.”_

 

Leon had taken the old knight’s words to heart that day, and had used the advice many times since. It had always helped him. Until today.

 

No matter how many times he closed his eyes and counted to ten, when he opened them again, there was still nothing a mostly-blind clotpole of a Knight could do to help Merlin. He’d already tried and failed.

 

But, bedridden and utterly useless as he was- it was all he could do.

 

He was on his three thousandth, seven hundredth and second try when he unwillingly drifted off.

 

***

 

Leon’s first realization when he woke up was that he wasn’t in Merlin’s bed anymore. As he looked around at the shadowy trees reaching up to the ink black sky, he realized he could see. 

 

His eyes darted around, taking in the strange dark woods around him- an ominous feelingly settling heavily into his heart. The woods were still. No rustling, no movement, no animal calls. The whole world seemed cast into shadows, shadows that twisted and slinked in the impossible dark.

 

What was he doing here? How did he get here? Where was here? And why could he see?! And why was the world so dark?

 

A crack! tore through the woods and Leon jumped- his hand darting for his belt, but he started again when he saw it. In his belt gleamed the shiniest hilt he’d ever seen- it glittered up at him, reflecting back his shocked face. Leon’s eyes traveled up his body, he was helpless to stop them- stunned senseless by what he saw. It was armor of the highest caliber and craftsmanship imaginable. It was unscathed, unscratched, by all definitions, it was perfect. It gleamed, no, it shone! Blinding white light seemed to pulse from it, illuminating the air around him, making him seem to shine like the sun.

 

Confusion spun within him- so dizzying he couldn’t even figure what he should be thinking. What-how-why-?!

 

 _What do you need to do?_ Renlend’s words echoed in his head, the familiarity grounding him. Clarity buzzed in his mind. He was a soldier. He had to figure out what he needed to know so he could respond however necessary-that was his mission.

 

With new purpose filling him, Leon felt himself anchor back into time.

 

Screams filtered through his consciousness -reverberating through the woods themselves- sending his hand flying to the foreign gleaming hilt and his head snapping up to see-

 

Merlin stood a few feet away- unmistakable -but _wrong_.

 

He didn’t wear his usual neckerchief and jacket, instead he was dressed in a black cloak that seemed to seep into the ground beneath him. He stood hunched, as though the weight of the world rested on his shoulders and he just couldn’t carry it. His usually bright blue eyes burned gold. His normally milky white hands were stained bright scarlet. 

 

Leon stood, staring, completely stunned.

 

His mind whirled. The world itself seemed to twist beneath his feet as hundreds of realizations and questions and implications darted through his head. 

 

Then Merlin spoke. So far away. Impossible, compared to the explosion warring through him. But some tiny, buried part of him must’ve heard.

 

 _“Please-“_ Merlin whispered. His voice was nearly drowned beneath the screams still twisting in the air, grating at his soul. But Leon heard it.

 

Leon froze.

 

He knew that voice.

 

Merlin looked completely different- Leon’s mind screamed it was wrong!

 

But he knew that voice.

 

He knew that tremble. 

 

He knew that desperation-that thinly veiled terror- the thickness of barely suppressed tears.

 

The Merlin in front of him was wrong- terribly, impossibly, sickeningly wrong!

 

But it was _Merlin_.

 

“Merlin?” Leon gasped. 

 

“ _Please_ …” Merlin whispered again.

 

Every part of Leon writhed- he was a war of thoughts and emotions, fears and questions- all tearing through him like he was a weak weed in a winter storm. Normally he would be able to stop the storm, take a breath and get to work. Shove the fear away and focus on what needed to be done. Mourn the dead when he’d saved the living. 

 

But he couldn’t. 

 

He was as helpless as the child, so many fears flooding him he couldn’t even open his mouth to express them.

 

 _Why are we here? Why is the world dark? What happened? What’s wrong? Why am I dressed so strangely? Why is the place haunted by screams? Where is everyone else? Are they okay? Why can’t I remember?_ Are you okay?

 

 The last one stopped the flood. Silenced the storm. Froze time.

 

 _Are you okay?_  He clearly wasn’t. 

 

Dressed as night, his face twisted in fear beyond description, Gold eyes old beyond time filled with tears. Voice breaking as he begged for help.

 

_Blood staining his hands._

 

And suddenly Leon’s whole world stopped. 

 

His questions, his fears, everything vanished- leaving only one thing behind. 

 

One thought echoing in his mind.

One emotion grounding him to the earth.

One drive pumping his heart, 

One purpose pulsing through his veins. 

 

He didn’t know what or where or how, but in that moment he knew he would do anything, move any mountain, fight forever, instantly give his life-

 

Save Merlin.

 

But Merlin’s next words stopped his whole world.

 

_“Please, Please Leon, I know you hate me-but for him… Please Leon-kill me! Please- kill me before I kill him! Please...”_

 

Darkness suffocated his vision and the screams intensified.

 

***

 

Leon crashed upright, eyes tearing open, fists clawing at the sheets, chest heaving, screams still ringing in his ears, tears streaking down his cheeks.

 

The room stared back, unfamiliar-not his, but then the world began seeping back into him. Merlin’s room. In the infirmary. He was hurt. In Merlin’s bed. Clutching Merlin’s sheets.

 

It must’ve been a dream.

 

Leon wipes his damp face vigorously, still gulping air, desperately trying to calm himself. 

 

A dream. 

 

It was just a dream. 

 

The shadows and the screams and M-  No! It was just a dream! Heaven only knew what was in those potions Gaius had been giving him to-

 

For the second time in as many minutes- the world stopped.

 

Giving him to restore his sight.

 

Slowly, time holding its breath, Leon took his hands away from his face and opened his eyes. 

 

No amount of training could have stopped his gasp.

 

The orange fire in the dusty hearth. The pale silver light streaming from the crack in the brown curtains. Books haphazardly strewn across the floor. Green potions glittering on the three-legged stool by the bed. 

 

The empty cot. 

 

He could see.

 

And Merlin was gone.

 

The world started violently and thoughts assaulted him.

 

_It doesn’t mean anything- your spooked from the dream, you need to think logically. Maybe Gaius’s potions worked. That’s what their supposed to do and they did it. And Merlin could be gone doing anything. He could be at the privy or Gaius might’ve cleared him or he could be out on a stroll or talking to Arthur-_

 

The last wild thought triggered memories. Memories that were so terribly wrong and now so horribly right. Memories he hated.

 

_‘Ways to kill Arthur’._

_Blue eyes burning gold._

_‘How would you kill a King?’_

_The screams._

_Blood staining his hands._

_‘Kill the king’._

 

Leon’s blood froze.

 

Merlin left to kill Arthur.

 

Merlin left to _kill Arthur_.

 

Arthur’s closest friend-his little brother-was going to kill him.

 

Leon’s heart bled.

 

Another betrayal.

Another person Leon had failed.

Another person he loved turned enemy.

This would break them. 

 

All of them.

 

Arthur. Gwen. Gaius. Hunith. Gwaine. Lancelot. Elyan. Percival. The servants. The knights. The town. The crown. Him.

 

Everyone loved him.

 

And he’d betrayed them all.

 

_I failed. I promised I would watch and protect them but I failed. I couldn’t save him. And now He’s just like Morgana!_

 

Despair and hatred and grief tore through him. He wanted to curl up and cry. Go back in time to whatever went so horribly wrong for his friend and fix it. Go back and recognize Merlin’s plots for the last plea for help that they were and hug him. Stop him.

 

Now it was too late.

 

Those teachings from all those ages ago filled his mind.

 

Sorrow and grief deeper than words could describe burned through him.

 

Leon did the only thing he knew to do.

 

He took a breath and began counting.

 

One

 

_Merlin is going to kill Arthur._

 

Two

 

I’ve failed my King- I let him die!

 

Three

 

_I’ve failed my brother- I didn’t recognize his pleas for help!_

 

Four

 

_I’ve failed my brothers and now it’s too late!_

 

Five

 

_Merlin is going to kill Arthur._

 

Six

 

 _Merlin is going to kill Arthur_.

 

Seven

 

_He hasn’t killed him yet._

 

Eight

 

Arthur’s still alive!

 

Nine

 

_I haven’t failed him- it’s not too late!_

 

Ten

 

_I can still save Arthur!_

 

He opened his eyes- none the braver or wiser or calmer, but Renlends’s words echoed in his mind.

 

‘Open your eyes and get to work. Do what you have to do. Focus on who you can save. Then you mourn the dead.’

 

Leon swung his feet over the edge, gravity grounding him, grabbing the sword propped up beside the bed.

 

_Save Arthur._

_Do what you have to do._

_Then mourn the dead._

 

Leon took off running.

 

***

 

Leon didn’t know where to go- didn’t know if Arthur was even still alive. But he had to try, so he took off for the King’s chamber.

 

He ran, the halls and people blurring inconsequentially past.

 

He ran faster than ever before.

 

Faster than he’d run after his father. 

 

Faster than he’d run from dragons or to armies.

 

He fought against time, desperate for it to be fast enough.

 

He ran.

 

When he reached the hall to the king’s chambers he forced himself to slow. Merlin couldn’t hear him approach or he would fail.

 

He darted down the hall as softly as he could. Surprise dawning inside his chest as he realized the others from the Round Table crowded in the King’s open doorway.

 

Yes-he’d have help! Relief ebbed the aching of his grieving heart. The Round Table has yet to fail when they fought together. But the relief was immediately chased away by confusion. 

 

Why were they gathered in the doorway? Why weren’t they fighting and protecting Arthur? For a moment, Leon doubted this was the place. Maybe he’d gotten it wrong. 

 

But no, he dismissed that thought immediately- this was it. His blood pounded with Adrenalin. His heart throbbed with dread and grief. This was it.

 

He joined them, falling into step behind Elyan who whipped around and threw his charcoal hand over Leon’s mouth. Lean’s eyes bulged, his hand instinctively tightening on his sword. Then he saw the wild panic in Elyan’s face and the grip relaxed.

 

“What-“ he whispered behind the hand but Elyan shook his head hard, eyeing the room meaningfully.

 

Percival bowed his head next to Leon’s ear and rumbled tearfully:

 

“Look.”

 

Leon looked.

 

And time stopped. 

 

The room before him held still, a terrible tableau frozen in time.

 

It was Guinevere he saw first. Across from the door, a heap of purple skirts on the floor, a hand covering her mouth as her shoulders shuddered and countless tears streaked down her cheeks. Her other hand clutched Lancelot’s chest as she clung to him desperately. Lancelot knelt beside her enfolding her against him, his free pointing a shaking sword at Merlin, horror etched in his face.

 

Arthur stood in the center of the room, excalibur at his feet, hands raised in surrender. Worry and concern beyond description burned in his eyes, a steel sword point at his heart.

 

Why was he concerned? It didn’t make sense- 

 

“Why isn’t he fighting? Why hasn’t he-“ Leon stopped. He couldn’t say it. He’d come here to do it- but he couldn’t say it. But they knew what he meant. Gwaine, hand clutching his sword, not tearing his eyes away from the terrible scene ahead, growled:

 

“Look at Merlin. His neck.”

 

So Leon looked. Past the wicked grin. Past the pale arm holding the sword. Past the shaggy black hair. Past everything that made Merlin Merlin- past every facade and sincere effort and kind eyes and lies he’d ever believed- to Merlin’s neck. His eyes froze, staring.

 

Merlin’s neck was bulging and writhing! Twisting and swelling and moving!

 

Necks didn’t move!

 

Not unless-

 

 _Magic_.

 

Leon was immediately swept away by the flood of right! that billowed through him.

 

It explained everything! 

 

The way his voice had sounded so gleeful as he talked about killing Arthur-the way he talked about killing Arthur! The blood, the screams, the way that terrible grin split across his face-

 

Relief filled him, expanding his heart. Soothing it's aches, coursing through his blood to every fiber of his being. His head spun with the lightness of it. 

 

Merlin was good! The same brave, clumsy, kind, sarcastic, selfless Merlin he’d always been!

 

He hadn’t been fooled-he hadn’t failed!

 

Another thought dawned in his euphoria-

 

Of course Merlin knew they loved him! Of course he knew how much they cared-how important he was to them!

 

It was only the magic making him think they didn’t.

 

The weight Leon hadn’t realized he’d carried with that worry tumbled off of him, making him seem impossibly lighter.

 

Everything was going to be okay.

 

“It’s magic-“ he breathed, his relief burning in his voice. “He’s been cursed!” Leon smiled-how easy this was! They didn’t have to kill their brother!

 

“Right men, this won’t be hard- Elyan, you and I will sneak up behind him and hold him, you’ll take the sword. Percival, you come up behind us and once we have the sword, I need you to knock him on the head- quick and painless. Gwaine- you go for Gaius-“

 

“Are you stupid?! I’m not going to kill him!” Gwaine growled, spinning around-Leon tore away from the room ahead, surprised by the ferocity in the knight’s voice. Even more surprise twisted inside him as he realized Gwaine’s eyes were full of tears.

 

“Of course we’re not going to kill him-“ Leon started, dread pooling in his stomach.

 

No. This was easy. Merlin was good! Everything was going to be okay!

 

“Look!” Gwaine hissed, pointing a finger, not at Merlin- but at the wall behind the Queen and Lancelot. Leon looked. And paled.

 

There, mounted on the wall was a loaded crossbow. The trigger was wrapped by a thin string that was tied to Merlin’s wrist. One wrong move and the arrow would release- and slam into Merlin’s chest.

 

_‘I’m his greatest weakness?’_

 

What had he done?!

 

Horror too terrible to define tore through Leon.

 

This was all his fault!

 

“Merlin, Merlin-let’s talk about this-“ Arthur’s voice, breaking with worry.

 

He’d given Merlin the idea!

 

“There’s nothing to talk about! I’m going to kill you-and if you try to stop me I’ll die!”

 

No matter what they did- any path they took-

 

“But Merlin, if you die you can’t kill me!” Desperation bled into his voice. His usually stoic face was twisted with terror- his eyes wide, his brows furrowed, his voice wobbling.

 

“But see, that’s the thing-“ Merlin laughed “even if I pull the trigger- you’ll still be the one who dies!”

 

One of them would die.

 

Nothing could change it- fate was set and time was marching it’s terrible path and Leon couldn’t save them!

 

Tears filled his eyes and he realized the inescapable truth that they would lose. One would die. 

 

He’d always vowed he would die defending the innocent- but there was nothing he could do!

 

He knew it. Knew one of them would die. He was powerless to stop it.

 

But Merlin’s next words still broke his world.

 

“Here, let me show you-“

 

Merlin jerked his arm back.

 

Time held still as it exploded forward. Inched at a crawl as it raced ahead.

 

Merlin grinned. Arthur’s eyes clouded with indescribable fear.

 

The arrow released.

 

Time restarted and they were on the ground, the sword sliding away, Arthur covering Merlin-an arrow protruding from his back.

 

Arthur had been shot.

 

Arthur had been shot. 

 

Arthur had been shot.

 

_Arthur. Had. Been. Shot._

 

Arthur, Leon’s closest friend, his brother, his commander, his charge, his king had been shot.

 

Time didn’t stop this time. The world didn’t stop spinning. 

 

But Leon couldn’t move.

 

Guinevere gasped. Sobbed into Lancelot’s chest. Lancelot stared in horror. Percival gasped raggedly, couldn’t breath. Elyan locked stiff as a board. Gwaine raced across the cobblestones- skidding to his knees at their side- hands reaching out unsure how to help- like he thought he could help.

 

Time continued its cruel dance- a crimson stain spreading on Arthur’s tunic. Guinevere’s sobs and Merlin-

 

Buried underneath the king, Merlin said in a small, confused, croaky voice:

 

“Arthur? What’s going on?”

 

The spell had been fulfilled and Merlin was free again.

 

Whatever tiny fragment of hope he’d held in his heart shattered. 

 

Merlin wouldn’t be free if the magic didn’t know Arthur was dead.

 

Merlin craned his head around Arthur’s shoulder, struggling against Arthur’s weight, then he saw the arrow.

 

He froze.

 

Leon watched, unable to move as the confusion clouding Merlin’s eyes faded. As it morphed to understanding and horror. As tears filled his eyes- so many Leon couldn’t even see their color.

 

Merlin began writhing beneath Arthur, struggling to get out as tears streamed down his face. Gwaine spring to action beside them, rolling the unconscious -dead?- king against his chest, propping him up. Arthur moaned -alive- as Merlin scrambled out from under him, kneeling beside them.

 

“Hold him tightly- don’t let him move, I have to break the shaft so we can get him on his back. That should help slow the bleeding- hold on, Arthur- _please_ -“ Leon’s heart broke as Merlin’s voice trembled. Gwaine nodded and tightened his hold. Merlin took a shaky breath, steeling himself. Then he reached out lightening fast, grabbed the shaft close to Arthur’s back and snapped it in two.

 

Arthur tightened against Gwaine’s hold, eyes tearing open, a terrible inhuman scream ripping through him. Merlin began to tremble. His shoulders began to shake as the tears fell faster.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry- Arthur, _‘m so sorry-_ “ he whimpered, his hand coming to his mouth, trying uselessly to stifle his sobs.

 

Arthur panted heavily against Gwaine, groaning tightly, as though trying to restrain his cries.

 

“Merlin- fix him!” Gwaine shouted, eyes wild with grief and desperation.

 

Merlin whimpered again, fisting the hand around his mouth and yanking it away, leaving his sobs unmuffled for them to hear. He turned to Arthur and Gwaine, helping the knight shift the king to the ground. Arthur screamed once at the contact before cutting it off with a strangled moan, snapping his mouth closed.

 

Merlin and Gwaine went still as they saw the arrow head protruding from his chest. 

 

From his heart.

 

Tears streaked down Leon’s cheeks. He wanted to run to his king. To fall to his side and fix him like Gwaine had screamed. To cry. To pledge he would protect the others and make him proud. To run for Gaius like Merlin was screaming at them, begging them too.

 

But he couldn’t.

 

Merlin was free and the king was dead.

 

And he couldn’t move.

 

Gwaine rose to his feet and charged through the doorway, shoving into them. To get Gaius.

 

For a dead man.

 

Arthur opened his eyes, breathing raggedly, his blue orbs clouded and confused. Then they trailed up and found Merlin’s and they froze. Simply stared as his servant above him sobbed and gasped useless nothings and apologies.

 

The confusion in his eyes slowly cleared, replaced with realization. 

 

_“... hold on Arthur, please… just hold on… Gaius is coming- he’ll fix you, I promise. I promise. Please Arthur… I’m so sorry…”_

 

“Your alive.” Arthur’s croak drowned in relief.

 

“I’m sorry, Arthur, I’m so sorry… this is all my fault! If I hadn’t-“

 

“Your okay!” Arthur gasped. Then his elated expression slowly faded as he understood Merlin’s words.

 

“Merlin-“ he started but Merlin kept rambling desperately above him. 

 

Slowly, the action clearly excruciating, Arthur lifted a hand and grabbed Merlin’s arm. Merlin froze, his eyes snapping first to the hand on his arm, and then to Arthur.

 

“Merlin,” Arthur started again, his voice lathered in pain but with a certainty that commanded attention.

 

“Gaius can’t- save me.”

 

Merlin’s trembled harder than ever as he shook his head.

 

“No, no no no- Gaius is coming, just hold on… please…”

 

Arthur shook his head slowly, grimacing. Tightening his hold.

 

“No, Merlin… I’m dying.”

 

Millions of miles away, Leon knew the rest grieved. Could feel the same grief tearing his heart apart. Could hear it in the sobs that echoed through the room. But all of it seemed pale in the face of the pain and guilt burning from their brother as their family lay dying in his arms.

 

 _“No, no, no no no!”_ Merlin screamed the last word, hands clutching Arthur like his desperation could stop fate’s terrible march. 

 

“No, I won’t let you, don’t you dare-“ wild hope seemed to Emirates from the servant as he pressed his hands to Arthur’s chest, near the terrible arrow.

 

Then his eyes flashed gold.

 

Merlin had magic.

 

Merlin had _magic_.

 

And he was using it to try and save Arthur.

 

Arthur’s eyes bulged and he stared up at his manservant in complete, dumbfounded shock- seemingly pulled from his own death by the surprise.

 

Merlin didn’t notice. His golden eyes still flooded with tears as he spoke strange sounds in terrible guttural sobs.

 

“ _Sana eum- ut pro me!_ ”

 

Merlin’s eyes tore down to Arthur- as if expecting to see him whole. But red was still seeping beneath him and his breathing was still slowing.

 

Merlin’s face fell and he screwed his eyes shut, desperation bleeding into his voice as he tried again.

 

“ _Ut pro me! Vita est vita!_ ”

 

Arthur remained unhealed.

 

The shock in his eyes melted away, replaced with understanding. Then understanding bled into worry as Merlin’s trembling intensified and he washed white.

 

“Merlin?” He croaked, tightening his hold on Merlin’s arm and shaking him.

 

“Merlin?” Gold shone from behind Merlin's closed lids as blood began to dribble out of his mouth.

 

Arthur’s eyes widened, wild.

 

“Merlin?! Stop-“ Arthur begged- shaking him like he could pull him free. He still didn’t heal.

 

“ _Ego dabo tibi animam meam!_ ” More blood- he was swaying violently now. Merlin screamed.

 

“Your killing yourself- stop! You can’t save me!” 

 

Whatever desperate hope Leon hadn’t realized he’d been clinging to shattered as Arthur’s word slammed reality into his face.

 

The spells weren’t working.

 

If Merlin continued he would die. 

 

Leon would lose them both.

 

Merlin stopped.

 

He swayed and blinked. The gold faded to blue as he looked down.

 

He saw Arthur was still dying.

 

He crumpled, the hope in his eyes crushed under grief as a terrible, inhuman cry tore from him.

 

“No- no please, _please not again_ \- please!” Merlin bent in on himself, as if unable to hold himself up any longer. His entire body racked with sobs. His tears splashed into the scarlet pool beneath them. His sobs echoed through the room, through the castle, through time itself.

 

“Merlin- Merlin!” Arthur shook his friend’s arm, his eyes seemed- tranquil?

 

Merlin latched onto Arthur’s hand on his arm and clung to it like a lifeline as he shattered.

 

“Merlin,” Arthur grunted, his eyes drifting upwards into the back of his head before snapping back to his breaking servant. 

 

“Idiot... look at...me.” The command seemed to fragile. Yet stronger than steel.

 

Slowly, still splintering, Merlin looked at their King.

 

 Arthur cracked a smile, a lopsided grimace.

 

“There you… go. Now, Merlin- I know this is… _ngh_ … I know this seems like it’s-“ He let out a muffled groan, his face darkening with pain, before grunting and continuing raggedly. “-like this is your fault…” but it’s… it’s not-“ Merlin whimpered- his tears were streaming as fast as the blood.

 

Arthur tightened his hold and firmly shook his head.

 

“It’s not. Morgana cursed you and I- I couldn’t let you… your my brother, Merlin. I- _augh_ couldn’t lose you.”

 

Merlin sobbed inconsolably.

 

Arthur’s own eyes were swimming with tears as he looked away from his manservant. His eyes wandered the room, sadness burning in them as he saw their grief. They finally stopped.

 

At Leon. 

 

“Leon,” He croaked and Leon’s heart broke even as he straightened and pressed a fist to the dragon clasp on his cape in salute.

 

“Sire. _I’m here_.” His voice trembled- he couldn’t stop it.

 

“As my… my last act as King… I, Arthur Pendr-agon, King Of Camelot… hereby… in front of five wit-nesses of my… of my court... abolish all laws against... magic. They’re free.” Their gasps echoes in his ears but Arthur’s words rang in Leon’s heart, triggering memories to flash through his mind.

 

_The druids healing his first love._

_Gwen and Elyan’s sobs._

_His father’s words- his own promise._

_Ash and burning flesh heavy in the air._

_Merlin growing pale and weak as he used the forbidden art to save the King._

It was time.

 

But Arthur wasn’t done. He continued his halting rasp.

 

“I name… my wife…” he looked away from Leon to her, who, still sobbing helplessly, pulled away from Lancelot to meet his eyes. He smiled, fresh tears falling down his cheeks as his eyes filled with a love beyond description. She whimpered when she saw it, crying harder.

 

“I name her my heir… and the… Queen of Camelot… _I love you, darling-_ “ Then he collapsed back against the stone. His eyes clouding and crossing, his breathing it’s last rattle.

 

Time held its breath, waiting.

 

Tears blurred Leon’s vision and he blinked them away violently- loathing to watch, needing to see.

 

Arthur started up at the ceiling, a slow smile spreading across his face.

 

“Mother?” He rattled breathlessly.

 

Then he frowned, his eyes flitting around unseeingly.

 

“Yours in life?” He asked softly-anxiously.

 

Leon had thought his heart had already been ripped from him. He’d thought it had snapped when he saw the arrow in Arthur’s back. He’d thought it’d torn when Merlin couldn’t save him. He’d thought it’d shattered when he heard Guinevere’s sobs. He’d thought it’d died as Arthur abolished magic and freed every innocent he’d ever fought for.

 

He’d thought that was surely as bad as a heart could break.

 

He’d been wrong.

 

His brother’s desperate plea ripped him. Snapped him. Tore him. Shattered him. Killed him.

 

It was the soldiers parting.

 

He opened his mouth and choked down the lump in his throat, summoning whatever pathetic strength he had left.

 

“Yours in death.” 

 

Arthur’s face smoothed in relief and his eyes drifted to the ceiling one last time.

 

He exhaled and the hand holding Merlin’s arm slumped to the stone.

 

They sobbed as his body grew cold.

 

***

 

He hadn’t left a note. 

 

He didn’t matter enough for anyone to care anyway.

 

He would’ve blinked his tears away, but he didn’t care to see the pool of red around him.

 

He didn’t care about anything anymore.

 

  _I failed, My Love._

 

The darkness crowded in. It felt fitting, right.

 

   _I'll finally get what I deserve._

 

Arthur had deserved to see his mother waiting for him.

 

Merlin deserved the black promise of hell.

 

_I’m coming._

 

The world went dark.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo...  
> I imagine you all hate me right now?  
> I am so sorry! Please remember that this is not the end- the next chap is the happy ending, I promise!  
> I’m also aware of how badly written this was. I apologize, guys, it was my first time writing a character death. If any of you have any suggestions on how I can improve I’d love to hear them! Thank you so much for reading and I hope all of you have a non-stressful and happy day.  
> I love you, bye!
> 
>  
> 
> Edit: here’s the translation for Merlin’s magic, which I wrote in google translate Latin. Sorry guys, I meant to add this earlier but I forgot.  
> “Sana eum- ut pro me!” Heal him- take me.  
> “Ut pro me! Vita est vita!” Take me- a life for a life.  
> “Ego dabo tibi animam meam!” I give my life to him.  
> Love you guys!
> 
> Edit: Hi guys, I was working on reviewing this chap so I can write the next one in the best way possible, and I realized that I didn't exactly explain Leon's dreams. While Leon was asleep Merlin's magic reached out to him, pulling him into a sort of world the way Merlin sees it. With him in bright, noble armour and Merlin with bloodstained hands. The inner part of Merlin was not cursed and begged Leon to kill him so Arthur wouldn't die. And that inner part of him magically gave Leon back his sight so he could. I'm really sorry I didn't clarify this properly in the chapter. I didn't really know how to and I'm sorry that it lessens the writing quality. Thank you so much for reading and I love you all so much!

**Author's Note:**

> Hey again! If your reading this, I assume you actually read it! Yay! Please remember what I said above, stay safe, if this is a threat to that, please don't read!  
> Have fun reading addictive fanfictions! And let me know what you thought- have a peaceful day, guys! 
> 
> PS. I rated it general audiances because I believe that even though I portrey some harder stuff, I do it in a way that is appropriate for all ages, if any of you disagree with that assessment PLEASE let me know- this author misses stuff!
> 
> PPS: duh, i can't believe i forgot this!!!  
> I do not own Merlin or any of it's characters, the rights go to BBC. I make no profit for this, only the plot is mine.
> 
> PPS: NOW, have a peaceful day!


End file.
